Le Cordon Bleu

I've been a culinary student for the last 4 months, although the last month doesn't count - as I've been back in my home state getting medical needs taken care. I had a massive oral infection that was basically killing me. I had 3, 4 hour long oral surgeries and had to have 3 teeth completely removed along with the nerves. All that aside, I've had time to think about all the lies I was force-fed by silver-tongues devils at Le Cordon Bleu. They said things like "Work as fast as you want," and "education at your own pace," "we're here to help you move forward in your new life,' and it was all glamorized shit I wanted to hear. I'll be honest, I fell for it all - hook, line and sinker. I dove in the deep end hoping for challenge and all I got was lecture and example after lecture and example and when it came to the other "help" they promised, it was only lies again and again. I did help with my resume. However they fucked up the dates and made me look like an asshole in the process. No wonder job applications I put in didn't go anywhere - I know, I know. I should have looked at it myself and made the proper changes. However when you're sitting right there and telling them certain dates and everything they NEED to know, you expect it to come out as you spoke it, not as they "heard" it - if they really did listen in the first place. Now I do feel bad for them, all of them. The school is inevitably closing down in 2017 and they are teaching out the current students in all the campuses across the US. However it's not by the fault of the students of the past or even current. It's the fault of the corporation that was running the school system. They failed %100 and made promises they couldn't keep. I tried to keep my head up. I tried to keep moving forward. I've fallen into a major depression because the system is broken and there is now no need whatsoever to fix it. They never cared before, and they damn sure don't care at all anymore. Who would? They're going to get paid for the next year and not really have to do anything else but roll along until the time comes that they need to get a new job. As much as I would love for the school to continue on into the future, because hell I'd planned on being there for 10 years before I stepped foot into the school and got enrolled. It's been an icon in the industry for far too long just to let it all die and go away. Hell even if another school, such as the Culinary Institute of America (CIA) bought it out, they could keep the name going and teach their own style there. I'm also on the verge of being homeless and every e-mail I get from this place is saying they will help me. Yet every 3 days I get the same e-mail, written differently to throw me off and make me believe they really are trying to help. It's a business at the end of the day and nothing in business matters if it's not money. I'm not made of money nor am I money, so I don't matter. It's something I've known for a long time. Because one thing I learned living on the Rez, you take one step forward and find yourself 10 back from where you started. It never matters what you do, or where you end up. it's always 6 feet under, with nothing to your name and nothing you gained.

Airing of Grievances

Growing up I was always told you take care of family. Even the neighbor is family when you've known them long enough. However I've come to learn in the long scheme of things that blood doesn't make you family. There is no loyalty in the game called "Family." The one most likely to stab you in the back isn't the homeless man/woman trying to get a taste of food - it's the person standing next to you in the family portraits. It's the person you've called 'cousin,' 'best friend' and 'family.' The bank is more likely to lose your money than your family is to turn on you, or so we're commonly lead to believe. The simply fact is, none of that is true. We're more likely to win the lottery or get struck by lightening before family is completely loyal to the end. Speaking of the word 'END,' I've seen so many fake pictures online that say that the word 'Friend' has the word 'END' in it and means that it comes to an end, always. However I've met people who've become damn good friends to me and I doubt they'd ever wrong me in any way, shape or form. Family is the true enemy in times of need. They'll stand there with you, against you secretly. They enjoy watching you struggle. They'll take you in, thinking it'll be nonstop entertainment that they don't have to pay for. They'll however let anger into their minds, let it linger and control there thoughts and words. I'd like to say something extremely ugly against you. However I can't. It's not in my nature to feel that way. I pity you. I can't help that I do. I wish I could. I'm just not as vile as you are. I was invisible to you the entire time. You were so comfortable. Not even realizing I was always just around the corner. In the next room. At the top of the stairs. Silently. Sadly you were just too busy being you. Uncontrollably you. It'll be your downfall. It's already started. As much as I'd enjoy hating you and as much as I do enjoy being away from you. I miss the people there that really mattered to me. It's just sad that you try so hard to keep them mentally and emotionally small. I just hope they learned to grow from the confidence I tried to instill in them. I never had that person in my life. So I decided to be that for them. I'd tell them to reach for the stars and all that shit. I'd tell them they could do anything and the truth is... They can. They just need to get away from you. You are the dark cloud. You are the blackened star. The forgotten child and the lost mother, and wife. I see it written in their faces. "Life would be so much better if she weren't here." Sad. I know all that you don't even notice one ounce of it. You're blinded by ignorance and I'll let you know what they say in circles with people like you... Ignorance is bliss. Learn to the love it "sister." Because when you've got nothing left, but that GED you earned at the tender age of 27 years old (I got mine when I was 17. Not saying I'm better than you - Although I am) - you'll realize it all could have been so much easier if you'd learned a long time ago that Family is Forever.

Limp Bizkit New Old Songs (2014 Review) Part 2

Some days later than expected. I recently lost my glasses. I thought it was smart to climb up a tree, which my sister made look easier than it really was. Hell she flipped, slid and ran down the three 3 times, showing me how easy it was... For her. I tossed her my glasses, cause I figured I'd rather not see where I fall if that happens. Long story short, it was nearly 45 minutes later and I was finally down and my glasses were gone. I didn't care at the time, my prescription is already over due and I got an energy drink out of the ordeal. ==== Picking up at "My Way" remixed by DJ Lethal. One of the better remixes on this CD altogether. The additional sounds added and the change of tone in the guitar add a subtle difference that makes it worth while to get ll the way through. Now is it a barn burner of a track? Not at all, but it's damn good and adds some nostalgia for me. The flute samples that play remind me of Donkey Kong soundtrack on N64. A game that I used to lay for hours on end with my cousin, RIP my homie. I will see yo again some day. 0-5 I give this track a 4. "Nookie" as remixed by Butch Vig - Now I have to admit this song starts off killer if you're a Fatboy Slim fan or just a fan of that type of music in general. I dig it, yet I do admit that some of the song is just too far gone and different from the original that it almost makes it hard to like yet you still can't help but listen and try to sing along (since there are additional vocals thrown in there). It's just fun, not matter how much you try to hate it, you just can't. 0-5 I give this one hot track a 4.5 and I can't go any lower. "Counterfeit" Lethal Overdose remix as done by Sir DJ Lethal. Features some guitar samples from Orgy frontman Jay Gordon and it's a track that's been a classic long before this album came out. I don't know where I had heard it from before, I just know that I ALWAYS loved it - even if not more than the original which has Wes Borland on Guitar. 0-5 I give this one a Heavy 5. 13-Rollin [DJ Monk -Vs- The Track Mack Remix] - This one starts off with sounds that hear in the original song just brought out more prominently and then some bassy-sound is heard coming in more and more in the background, all the while over an obnoxious drum sample. The song is very repetitive as fuck. As fun of a song as it is, I can't for the life of me get through the entire song to this very day, as it is I've just now turned it off. I have no idea if the ending of the song is amazing or not. It's that bad, but it's not suppose t be good I guess. 0-5 This one lands flush on the 1 and I can't imagine it getting any higher. The remainder of the album is "My Way" remixes, first up is a remix of 'My Way' by DJ Premier and I think he does an excellent job with the track. Ultimately keeping it in the same vein as the original while adding in enough subtle differences that every time you hear it you say 'Oh I know where he got that from." And smile like a kid in school who's just heard a dirty joke for the first time and you're pretending to know what it means... And you don't. lol 0-5 this one get's a 4.5 William Orbit remix of My Way - Awesome. Can't get into detail. It's just an amazing treatment to the track and changes the feel of the song altogether. Whereas the other remixes, only changed minor elements and kept the song with the same mood, this one takes the song and makes it feel more like Synth Rock Anger Management session. 0-5 this motherfucker is a 6. LOL "My Way [Pistols' Dancehall Dub]" - This song is much like the Rollin remix I can't sit through. So I wont even start this track up. 0-5 a huge fat ZERO!

Limp Bizkit - New Old Songs (2014 Review)

Now I'm going to admit, I'm pretty biased since I am a fan of Limp Bizkit and at the time the album was released - I hated it, not all of it though. Collectively it had some awesome remixes and introduced me to artists I like to hear every once in awhile to this day. ==== "Nookie" as remixed by The Neptunes. It starts off like any other Neptunes produced track that came out around that time, the Britney Spears song they did around the same time comes to mind as well as the fact that the drum sounds and samples they always used are very apparent on this track as well. Always liked this one though, still do pretty much to this very day. On a scale of 0-5 though, this gets a heavy 3. "Take A Look Around" as remixed by Timbaland which features some additional vocals by E-40 and 8Ball. Song starts off with a chopped up guitar riffs played by Wes Borland and with other VST type instruments thrown in to flesh it out more with some synth and keyboard work along with Timbaland's use of drum sounds and samples. The song isn't at all too bad, quite like more than the original myself. The addition of the other Rappers makes this song easily one of the best mixes on the album altogether. On a scale of 0-5 I give this one a Filthy 4. "Break Stuff" as Remixed by DJ Lethal. I so WANTED to love this song back in the day and I admit, I still want too and it's not easy too. It's a great mix, it takes an aggressive song and keeps the vocal style and changes the music that surrounds it and makes it feel almost passive in nature instead of the IN-YOUR-FACE heavy riffs as played by Wes Borland. Scale 0-5 I give this one a lukewarm 2 and a half. "Crushed" as remixed by Bosko. I couldn't say enough about this track in all honesty. I loved it when I first heard it, I love the original and this one just works on all levels. It changes the style up completely from the almost synth Nine Inch Nails Goth style of the original and flips it sideways and makes it a Trip-Hop classic. Bosko's vocals thrown in with some crazy effect just works as awesome as a guitar, piano or even keyboard - it's an added layer that fills the song out. Though I admit, it still feels and sounds a bit hollow, I wish there was a deep bassline in there to give the track some much needed backbone. Scale 0-5 this one get's the 5. "N2gether Now" as remixed by The Neptunes. I'm not even going to say a fucking thing. Love the original and this one is just... It's good, but nothing special. Scale 0-5 it's somewhere, just not in the middle of off the scale. Sorry Neptunes, this one just doesn't do it for me. "Rearragned" remixed by Timbaland and featuring additional vocals by Bubba Sparxxx (Timbalands at the time Country Rap protege or project/experiment). The song starts off almost identical to Timbalands's "Take A Look Around" remix, featuring a chopped up bassline from Sam Rivers and lots of VST type instruments added in to fill the song out. Wes Borlands guitar notes are virtually left alone, which is great really and works perfectly well that way. Where the song fails is the pencil hitting a piece of paper snare drum sample and Bubba Sparxxx's verse just doesn't fit at all with the rest of the song. Scale 0-5 this one slides right up to the 3 mark, barely - but still right there. "Getcha Groove On" Dirt Road Remix by DJ Premier - The songs starts out with some 8bit sounding beeps and boops, I'm pretty sure Bill Cosby would have been available to do some random beeps and boops for the song himself. The song isn't the best, the original is better even if it did get the band in a massive lawsuit over the sample that the original features HEAVILY. 0-5 this one lands on a soft 2. "Faith" Remixed by Fred Durst & Josh Abraham (Featuring Everlast) - The song kicks off sampling David Bowie's hit "Fame" and I quite like that. Changing the dynamic of the song overall from the Hokey turn Heavy track they originally recorded for their Debut album. The song would not be the same if Fred hadn't re-recorded his vocals for the song and that's why it's one of my all time favorite tracks - though I admit Everlast's verse is just another freestyle that pretty much every rapper does. The same words can be heard on "N2Gether Now" from Methodman and an unreleased track where Eminem says the very same lines. 0-5 this lands flush on the 5 for me. ==== I'll pick up on the last 7 songs when I have the time to sit and listen. I'm pretty tired right now and ready to finally fall asleep.

Sick and tired or just plain Fucking tired? I don't know...

I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of hoping things will change, the same fucking things that have needed to change for awhile. I'm tired of wishing in one hand, while holding out the other for shit to fall in place. The inevitable thing is, within 25 years of living I completely feel like I've lived every bad thing and good thing and special moment that'll ever happen and I could die without a god damn care right now. I feel I've already lost and gained everything I'm ever going to and the same circle of shit, I mean routine is all that is left to repeat the next 25 years. 25 years after that 25 years and the 25 years after that 25 years. It's all just going to play out the same eventually. I give the devil his dues though, he'll play the scenes differently and sometimes change a detail or two. However, the devil is in the detail. Always.

[Untitled Entry]

I wrote this a few days ago. I was raw and completely real. I wanted to drink heavily, I honestly did and I've kept myself from doing that. So here it is. ==== At the beginning of this year I thought the worse thing was getting older. Sadly I was shocked back to reality on Sunday morning with the news that not one, but two of my cousins were killed in a car accident. I may not have been close to them the last few years or even the last 8 years. That doesn't change the fact that I grew up with them. Hell one of them I was neighbors with for a year of my life. We were even in most of our classes in school growing up. It was funny to us that no one knew we were related at all. Most teachers just thought we were just super great friends. However it's not long until they realize you're not just friends, but related by blood. Every class we were in together, they'd split us up. It never stopped us at all to still be silly and do stupid gestures from across the room either. At some points in many classes, rather than have us split up and still causing madness they'll put us back together. I remember the first time I'd skipped school was with my cousin Fili. I'd have never done it on my own, but I told him I wanted to do that. Looking back now, I know it was because I knew he would get me to do it. He always got me to do things I would never do on my own. Such as opening up more as a person in public. I remember people acting like I was a freak a quiet all the time and some would ever go as far as to basically bescared of me. Because when I was younger I was tall and wore all black and a hooded sweater all the time [still do]. Fili told them to get to know me and that I was funny when you knew me. Most people got to know me because of him and I opened up more in school because of him. Though I never completely did, most of out friends got a kick out of me giving teachers the silent treatment. Which only would go on to anger some teachers, though they never expressed it. That's just something you learn to read growing up. Just as you can tell when your parents are upset. I'm ending this now. I've spend the last hour and a half crying my eyes out. I just can't believe they're gone. Though I only talked about one cousin here, two are gone. The other was younger, so I didn't have too much to do with him. Other than a few times of hanging out after birthdays or just talking about random things together. We all still had fun in this life and I know it's corny to say, but live your life to the fullest. Because you never know when that moment comes and you're no longer here with the ones you love and with the others that have passed on before you.

The Justice System Is A Failure...

Near the end of last year I was in a car accident with my sister. We were hit in the center lane (turning lane) by some dumbass speeding in THICK traffic.

The police arrive after we've called them and we're told to get off the road if we can. We do that, even though our tire was clipped. The cruiser arrives and the cop drives over and tells us we need to get over to where the other person is, after talking to her for 20 minutes he does this. We get there and all he does in write us a ticket and tells us we pulled out into traffic, because that is what she said we did. She also claimed she was in the farthest lane. Which, if that were the case our car would have been smashed in the front and so would her car. However, because she clipped out tire all that happened was her headlight was taken out.

The other thing that sucks about this entire incident is she knew the toe-truck guy who came and all he did was shout "OHHH, IT'S TOTALED! YOU CANNOT DRIVE THIS!" And it sounded so pretentious and fucking phony as he ripped off the remains of her headlight and then pulled her bumper cover off, which made the car look worse. The cop sees this and doesn't say a fucking thing. Instead he walks over to us and hands my sister a ticket. After that a woman comes over and tells us she saw the whole thing and is willing to be a witness. She gives us her number and we contact her later for a statement.

So a month goes by and my sister get's to court with her witness statement in hand and the judge says he wont accept it. The woman couldn't be there and in preparation for such a thing, we'd had her write out her statement and sign it. Judge wont even allow it to be read or filed. So my sister gets screwed in court and ends up having to pay the woman for "damages" done to her car, which the damage was done by some redneck hick in oversall's who wasn't even wearing a shirt, there should have been a ticket for him.

So sometimes goes by, my sister grudgingly makes her first payment toward the damages, which is magically $7,000. Wow, for a fucking headlight and a bumper cover some idiot ripped off to make matters look worse?

Fast forward to now. We're getting phone calls, this woman wants her medical paid. WHAT FUCKING MEDICAL!? It was a god damned fender bender and suddenly she needs medical. BITCH I SUFFERED TWO CONCUSSIONS AT THE TIME! I wasn't going around seeing doctors. I got diagnose and was told what not to do. However I get hit by you speeding down main street and let's not forget, in court you didn't even know what street you were on and at the time of the incident you had a fucking suspended licence for too many DUI'S. However the cop that night must had known you. Or maybe it was sheer luck we got the only Wiesel little fuck on the police squad that night.

"To Protect & Serve!" What a crock of shit you spew and try to sell to the general masses as you stroll around in your beat up police cars and wield a gun around like it makes you a badass. You fucking make me sick.

I suppose, being a psychology guy I could cut you some slack because your father probably beat you when you were a kid, which was what? Last week? Maybe now you think you're the badass. Maybe now you feel secure. However we see through it. You're still a battered little boy living in fear, soaked in your own piss at night barefoot pretending nothing can harm you now that you've got the badge that society tells you will let you kill anyone and anything that makes you afraid.

Our justice system is a complete failure.