[Untitled Entry]

I wrote this a few days ago. I was raw and completely real. I wanted to drink heavily, I honestly did and I've kept myself from doing that. So here it is. ==== At the beginning of this year I thought the worse thing was getting older. Sadly I was shocked back to reality on Sunday morning with the news that not one, but two of my cousins were killed in a car accident. I may not have been close to them the last few years or even the last 8 years. That doesn't change the fact that I grew up with them. Hell one of them I was neighbors with for a year of my life. We were even in most of our classes in school growing up. It was funny to us that no one knew we were related at all. Most teachers just thought we were just super great friends. However it's not long until they realize you're not just friends, but related by blood. Every class we were in together, they'd split us up. It never stopped us at all to still be silly and do stupid gestures from across the room either. At some points in many classes, rather than have us split up and still causing madness they'll put us back together. I remember the first time I'd skipped school was with my cousin Fili. I'd have never done it on my own, but I told him I wanted to do that. Looking back now, I know it was because I knew he would get me to do it. He always got me to do things I would never do on my own. Such as opening up more as a person in public. I remember people acting like I was a freak a quiet all the time and some would ever go as far as to basically bescared of me. Because when I was younger I was tall and wore all black and a hooded sweater all the time [still do]. Fili told them to get to know me and that I was funny when you knew me. Most people got to know me because of him and I opened up more in school because of him. Though I never completely did, most of out friends got a kick out of me giving teachers the silent treatment. Which only would go on to anger some teachers, though they never expressed it. That's just something you learn to read growing up. Just as you can tell when your parents are upset. I'm ending this now. I've spend the last hour and a half crying my eyes out. I just can't believe they're gone. Though I only talked about one cousin here, two are gone. The other was younger, so I didn't have too much to do with him. Other than a few times of hanging out after birthdays or just talking about random things together. We all still had fun in this life and I know it's corny to say, but live your life to the fullest. Because you never know when that moment comes and you're no longer here with the ones you love and with the others that have passed on before you.

The Justice System Is A Failure...

Near the end of last year I was in a car accident with my sister. We were hit in the center lane (turning lane) by some dumbass speeding in THICK traffic.

The police arrive after we've called them and we're told to get off the road if we can. We do that, even though our tire was clipped. The cruiser arrives and the cop drives over and tells us we need to get over to where the other person is, after talking to her for 20 minutes he does this. We get there and all he does in write us a ticket and tells us we pulled out into traffic, because that is what she said we did. She also claimed she was in the farthest lane. Which, if that were the case our car would have been smashed in the front and so would her car. However, because she clipped out tire all that happened was her headlight was taken out.

The other thing that sucks about this entire incident is she knew the toe-truck guy who came and all he did was shout "OHHH, IT'S TOTALED! YOU CANNOT DRIVE THIS!" And it sounded so pretentious and fucking phony as he ripped off the remains of her headlight and then pulled her bumper cover off, which made the car look worse. The cop sees this and doesn't say a fucking thing. Instead he walks over to us and hands my sister a ticket. After that a woman comes over and tells us she saw the whole thing and is willing to be a witness. She gives us her number and we contact her later for a statement.

So a month goes by and my sister get's to court with her witness statement in hand and the judge says he wont accept it. The woman couldn't be there and in preparation for such a thing, we'd had her write out her statement and sign it. Judge wont even allow it to be read or filed. So my sister gets screwed in court and ends up having to pay the woman for "damages" done to her car, which the damage was done by some redneck hick in oversall's who wasn't even wearing a shirt, there should have been a ticket for him.

So sometimes goes by, my sister grudgingly makes her first payment toward the damages, which is magically $7,000. Wow, for a fucking headlight and a bumper cover some idiot ripped off to make matters look worse?

Fast forward to now. We're getting phone calls, this woman wants her medical paid. WHAT FUCKING MEDICAL!? It was a god damned fender bender and suddenly she needs medical. BITCH I SUFFERED TWO CONCUSSIONS AT THE TIME! I wasn't going around seeing doctors. I got diagnose and was told what not to do. However I get hit by you speeding down main street and let's not forget, in court you didn't even know what street you were on and at the time of the incident you had a fucking suspended licence for too many DUI'S. However the cop that night must had known you. Or maybe it was sheer luck we got the only Wiesel little fuck on the police squad that night.

"To Protect & Serve!" What a crock of shit you spew and try to sell to the general masses as you stroll around in your beat up police cars and wield a gun around like it makes you a badass. You fucking make me sick.

I suppose, being a psychology guy I could cut you some slack because your father probably beat you when you were a kid, which was what? Last week? Maybe now you think you're the badass. Maybe now you feel secure. However we see through it. You're still a battered little boy living in fear, soaked in your own piss at night barefoot pretending nothing can harm you now that you've got the badge that society tells you will let you kill anyone and anything that makes you afraid.

Our justice system is a complete failure.

Where Sopa/Pipa Failed...

I'm not writing this on behalf of anyone and I also admit that I have no TRUE idea what Sopa/Pipa was or is. I just know the internet blackout thing that occurred.

Now from my understanding Sopa/Pipa was an old fashioned Witch Hunt in the making. It was torches, pitchforks and burn posts. It was all about taking the internet and burning it alive after seeing if it'll sink or float.

Wrong way to go about things. Now I understand that dvd and music piracy has COMPLETELY gotten out of hand and needs to be controlled. However control doesn't start with CHAOS. Control begins with leadership and leadership is best brought out through example.

I myself enjoy iTunes. I've had people tell me "You know you can get music for free, Right?" And I tell them 'I'd rather pay for the music I enjoy.' And now, although I enjoy using iTunes, I also COMPLETELY enjoy buying CD'S still and DVD'S. Hell I'd by albums on cassette tapes still if those were around and VHS. I still own a VCR. Which is sad when young kids look at it and say "What's that?"

I've gone off the beaten path here. However my main statement is this... Control doesn't begin with CHAOS.

You can't strangle, mutilate and kill something at it's core and expect change.

Amalgamation of Issues…

I recently started smoking again. Not the healthiest thing to do ever. I admit it’s made me feel more like myself again lately. Though the fact remains it isn’t a trait or a quality I’d like to embrace completely. While we’re on the matter, the only reason I’ve been smoking is stress. Yes they are lethal and bad for the throat, but the fucking do wonders. My dad let my half-sister (daughter from his first marriage) move in and she’s a fucking book of issues. I’d label them all here, yet I don’t think I want to waste my time thinking about EVERYTHING as a whole. Now don’t judge me because I live with my dad, my dad asked me to come back and I agreed. He kicked me out of his home 4 years ago and apologized to me. During that time I didn’t talk to him for a year. I’d help if he needed my help and that was that. I was upset and hurt that he’d yell at me and accuse me of hiding money and spending it on myself. He knows me. I don’t ask for anything, I don’t live outside my means and in general I keep to myself yet I’m willing to share what I have. I pawned a guitar of mine to pay the electric bill. 90 days later I was told my guitar was going to go on sale unless I could get the money and get it back. I did and held that against my dad, since that was his bill to pay and not mine. So knowing all that, he should have known better than to believe someone telling him I was “loaded” and keeping money to myself. All that aside and behind us now, I wish I was a bigger part to his business. However I know my sister worked in a legal office and did some training and schooling to work in that field and I have not. I also know the “other” issues that are keeping me working in his office. Those would be my personal views, beliefs and moral ethic. I don’t mix personal with business, yet my personal self is what keeps me most things I want to do in life. I understand that is why college didn’t work out. I can’t work with other people telling me what to do and what to write or what to fucking say. I’m not hardwired that way. I’m not a god damn puppet and I will not pretend to be. I aim to be myself and only me. I cannot be a replacement of my dad, who has worked his ass of for years and is only recently getting recognition for it. I cannot be my little sister, who honestly has more heart than I ever will know. I might not ever see the world and I might not be in a band outside of my head. It doesn’t matter to me what I do, as long as I am me. I’ve had job interviews and walked away after telling them point blank “Don’t hire me. Hire someone else.” I went into a job interview for a café once and when asked if I get coffee and other things there I said “I don’t like your coffee. I just want to work here.”

The last job interview I went to, I was NEARLY hired on the spot. However during the waiting process I talked to an old man who had just lost his job, the same job I was applying for and he was there to get his job back. When asked what my final statement of the interview was I said “Hire him,” and pointed at the old man “He wants to be here. I just want something to do.” I left and never looked back. Do I think they hired him back? I honestly don’t know and believe in my heart that they didn’t.

I just needed somewhere to get this shit off my chest and I feel as though I’ve done that for now. So I’m off and off to smoke another cigarette and try to relax now.

Stay Strange…

"Get it right shithead..."

Now I know most people don't get what I mean by that and here it is.... Sadly a celebrity dying is hot news and something that people act like we all should care about and cry over. However everyday soldiers are dying and no one bats and eye. Why? Because they aren't celebrities and them dying is the status qua. It's natural and celebrities are suppose to be invincible and undying. Which in every instance, is not true. They are people too, we as people know we are going to die. Do we know when? No. However we accept that we are going to, even if not today, tomorrow or next week. We just know it is inevitable. However that same state of mind tells us that celebrities are pure and cannot succumb to the normal deaths we ourselves ultimately succumb too. Which I might add is completely BS, because everyone dies. Whitney doesn't deserve a spot on the national news over something else. However she gets it and something else meaningful to our lives gets shoved aside and forgotten.

Also on that same subject. Why do people become teachers? I swear some people just seem like they were born in the wrong fucking century. Some people just seem more suited for the dark ages and should be working in a dungeon somewhere torturing people rather than in this life time as a teacher.

And I say that because I was a Teachers Aid for awhile and I hated it. It was with children, and they weren't the problem. The issue I had was the people working as "Teachers." Always groaning and moaning about the kids. One teacher once said a kid was stupid, because his XMas card read "xzappyh crhistmas." I said 'I let him glue everything himself and the work is his own. Instead of me hovering over him and ripping everything off and placing it in the proper manner.'

And the only reason I did that, was because for me. You have to be proud of your own work. If someone is hovering over you and making you feel bad, the rest of your life you're going to feel like a failure. Such as myself. I'm naturally left handed. I favor and predominantly use my right hand. Why? Because I had a teacher that used to force me to use my right hand. I couldn't go outside and play unless I did everything with my right hand. I got used to sitting on my left hand and making myself become a "righty." Because of that, I was still in writing classes from kindergarten all the way up to 3rd grade. Which was stupid, because I could clearly right with my left hand.