I recently started smoking again. Not the healthiest thing to do ever. I admit it’s made me feel more like myself again lately. Though the fact remains it isn’t a trait or a quality I’d like to embrace completely. While we’re on the matter, the only reason I’ve been smoking is stress. Yes they are lethal and bad for the throat, but the fucking do wonders. My dad let my half-sister (daughter from his first marriage) move in and she’s a fucking book of issues. I’d label them all here, yet I don’t think I want to waste my time thinking about EVERYTHING as a whole. Now don’t judge me because I live with my dad, my dad asked me to come back and I agreed. He kicked me out of his home 4 years ago and apologized to me. During that time I didn’t talk to him for a year. I’d help if he needed my help and that was that. I was upset and hurt that he’d yell at me and accuse me of hiding money and spending it on myself. He knows me. I don’t ask for anything, I don’t live outside my means and in general I keep to myself yet I’m willing to share what I have. I pawned a guitar of mine to pay the electric bill. 90 days later I was told my guitar was going to go on sale unless I could get the money and get it back. I did and held that against my dad, since that was his bill to pay and not mine. So knowing all that, he should have known better than to believe someone telling him I was “loaded” and keeping money to myself. All that aside and behind us now, I wish I was a bigger part to his business. However I know my sister worked in a legal office and did some training and schooling to work in that field and I have not. I also know the “other” issues that are keeping me working in his office. Those would be my personal views, beliefs and moral ethic. I don’t mix personal with business, yet my personal self is what keeps me most things I want to do in life. I understand that is why college didn’t work out. I can’t work with other people telling me what to do and what to write or what to fucking say. I’m not hardwired that way. I’m not a god damn puppet and I will not pretend to be. I aim to be myself and only me. I cannot be a replacement of my dad, who has worked his ass of for years and is only recently getting recognition for it. I cannot be my little sister, who honestly has more heart than I ever will know. I might not ever see the world and I might not be in a band outside of my head. It doesn’t matter to me what I do, as long as I am me. I’ve had job interviews and walked away after telling them point blank “Don’t hire me. Hire someone else.” I went into a job interview for a café once and when asked if I get coffee and other things there I said “I don’t like your coffee. I just want to work here.”
The last job interview I went to, I was NEARLY hired on the spot. However during the waiting process I talked to an old man who had just lost his job, the same job I was applying for and he was there to get his job back. When asked what my final statement of the interview was I said “Hire him,” and pointed at the old man “He wants to be here. I just want something to do.” I left and never looked back. Do I think they hired him back? I honestly don’t know and believe in my heart that they didn’t.
I just needed somewhere to get this shit off my chest and I feel as though I’ve done that for now. So I’m off and off to smoke another cigarette and try to relax now.
Stay Strange…
