I have been brought back from the dead...

In a sense to say just one more thing.

Just to say, fuck "Racial" Extremists. It's one thing to have 'PRIDE' and it's another to claim "Racial Superiority" over another/Others.

JFK

"Those Who Make Peaceful Revolution Impossible Will Make Violent Revolution Inevitable..."

Reality People...

And the reality is theres a method to the madness, always, and sometimes its the madness alone that is the method. Why? Because it's the process of being insane that really takes it toll on you.

I'm not telling you something you don't already know.

So What I Lied...

Is a great song by Sickpuppies.

FUCK YOU I WONT DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!

Rage Against The Machine... Where are you? The current state of the world needs your enlightenment.

At least I feel the world does.

Count how many times I use the word "Fuck"

What the fuck is right. I don’t fucking get it. Exactly what it is I don’t get is… life. Life is just so fucking complicated it’s hard to even fucking believe there are so many fucking people alive right now. It’s like fuck, how many of us right now are thinking about killing ourselves or just ending it right fucking now? Seriously. That is a huge issue on it’s own. What the fuck, life? What the fuck!? I hate to admit it, but hell even I think about fucking offing myself or as I’ve been calling it lately. Cobain-ing myself. Yes I turned Cobain into a different type of noun. It doesn’t just name a person, it now names a fucking action. And even as I fucking type this I can’t help but wonder what the fuck there is to live for? When you’re not suppose to be happy cause “someone” can make you happy. Because that isn’t “good enough.” Or because it isn’t “right.” What-the-FUCK-Ever. No one in this fucking world is happy on their own unless they are fucking drunk, on drugs or heavily medicated. Get real World. Get fucking real.

...Never Enough

I'm so fed up with everyone around me
No one seems to care
I'm just so far gone and nothing's gonna change
I'll never be the same
It's always do this, do that, everything they want to
I don't wanna live that way
Every chance they get they're always pushing me away

It's never enough, no it's never enough
No matter what I say
It's never enough, no it's never enough
I'll never be what you want me to be

It's all so messed up and no one ever listens
Everyone's deranged
I'm just so fucked up and I'm never gonna change
I wanna lay it all to waste
They're always say this, say that, nothing that you want to
I don't wanna live that way
Every chance they get they're always shoving me aside

It's never enough, no it's never enough
No matter what I say
It's never enough, no it's never enough
I'll never be what you want me to be
I'M DONE!

In the end we're all just chalk lines on the concrete
Drawn only to be washed away
For the time that I've been given
I am what I am

I'd rather hate you for everything you are
Than ever love you for something you are not
I'd rather you hate me for everything I am
Than have you love me for something that I can't

It's never enough, it's never enough
No matter what I say
It's never enough, no it's never enough
No matter who I try to be
It's never enough, no it's never enough
No matter how I try to taste
It's never enough, never never enough
I'll never be what you want me to be

Walk Away...

I'm sorry for the demon I've become.
You should be sorry, for the angel you are not.
I apologize, for the cruel things that I did.
But I don't regret, one single word I said.

Just walk away make it easy on yourself.
Just walk away please release me from this hell.
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel.
Just walk away pretend that none of this is real.

Could you forgive me, if I told you that I cared.
Would you be sorry if I swore that I'd be there.
Please forgive me for laughing when you fall.
I'm so sorry, but I never cared at all.

Just walk away make it easy on yourself.
Just walk away please release me from this hell.
Just walk away there's just nothing left to feel.
Just walk away pretend that none of this is none of this is.

Just walk away make it easy on us both.
Just walk away there was never any hope.
Just walk away you already know the deal.
Just walk away pretend that none of this was... None of this was real.

Face the Day...

when you face the day, do you ever just wake up. Look in the mirror and say "Smile you fuck."? Because I don't. I know the world would love to see me fail, and I wont give them that satisfaction.

War Is The Answer...

Everyday is a fight. You fight to live, you fight to be yourself.
You fight against Society and parents...
And one day, the fight is over...

New Favorite Song?

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned.
Place and time always on my mind.
I have so much to say but you're so far away.

......

Fuck The Law! Fuck The "MAN"!
Fuck The Weak and the Strong!...

Oh yeah...

And FUCK THE WORLD!

....

FUCK RELIGION! FUCK POLITICS!
FUCK THE WORLD!

Oh yeah...
AND FUCK YOU TOO!

Open Letters...

I can't change your mind...
It's already been proven....
I can't change who I am...
I just wont do it for anyone... even myself...
I am not fake...
But I am just not real...
I was born the way that I am...
I didn't create this "persona" for your sake... or my own..
I can't be in a million places at once...
I'd have to be dead before I try...
The time flies, it slows, it comes to a halt....
BURN! BURN! BURN! FUCKING BURN!
I HATE EVERYONE!
not just myself...
Who are you, to tell me what to do?
BECAUSE...
My Faith is not built within your walls...

just something to post...

Basically I just decided to talk... Though I basically ramble... Oh well.

The art of life is the art of avoiding pain. ~Thomas Jefferson ...

I couldn't have said that any better myself...

Life... is like a box of chocolates - a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that no one ever asks for, unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you're stuck with mostly undefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat while you're watching the game. Sure, once is a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you are left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, which, if you are desperate enough to eat, leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper. ~The X-Files

Oh and thats a good one too.

Ponder this...

What are the difference between Gods and Monsters?

One knows their power and exploits it.

You can use your own thoughts to explain which of the two I'm talking about.

Idea behind Quoting

When I quote others I do so in order to express my own ideas more clearly. - Michel de Montaigne

You see what I just did there. lol, yeah you do.

63010:222

So far away, the distance at hand could kill a thousand hearts...
Only available through speach, sound and sight...
The ocean of everything inbetween is almost worth drowning in...
The sound of the water and earth crashing over my head...
I just want it to never end...
As I hear your voice, faint and distant...
Almost close enough for the wind to carry it to my ears...
I want the sound to envelope my head, my thoughts and stay with me forever...
Forever in my box where I count away the days...
Marking them down, until I no longer remember what I'm counting on...
Or remember my own name, only who you are and how I feel...
Pound the nails, crack the lid slightly...
Let some light in, as I bottle up your essence...
Or what I imagine you to be...
I want to paint your picture...
Paint you as the world...
Your eyes would be the stars...
Your heart would be the sun...
And you, you would be my universe...
Forever playing with these planets I dedicate to you...
Every blackwhole is like a birthmark...
Forever there, forever a mystery...
New days, new beginnings and new faith...
Not necessarilly religion, but something deeper to believe in...

Natural Born Killaz

My Ruin have done a cover of the old school rap song with DEATH WORK PROFESSIONALS.

I'd post the nonsense they are saying on FB, but I don't care to. Because the song isn't original, none of it as much as they are acting like it is. It sounds exactly like FM Rackets cover of the same song.

Get real Miss B.

Save Me

So much that I've done wrong it's an open book
I've done much more than my fair share of damage

What once was hidden now is crystal clear. Transformation is within me
To break the cycle I must turn to you
What I lack I gain through your virtue I gain through you

Even when I fall will you still believe. Even when I'm lost will you still believe

Shattered by the hate that I carry
Take me as I am and make me whole again
I am lost without a purpose always consumed by self
I freely give this calloused heart can you forgive me

Even when I fall will you still believe
Even when I'm lost will you still believe
Now I don't have much, will you save me
But I'll give it all, will you save me

I've made so many mistakes
And I've broken so many promises
I've searched inside and I'm empty
Will you save me Will you save me

Even when I fall will you still believe
Even when I'm lost will you still believe
Every time I fall will you save me
Even when I fall will you save me

Man In The Box...

You say that I don't have any fight left in me...
The truth is, I was born without the will to fight...
I have no idea how I've lived this long...
I have no will to survive...
I'm just a man in a box...
My life is usless, my existence is a question...
Jesus on that cross can't save me...
Even though my crazy thoughts sometimes wish he could...
Come down my savior, come down off your burden...
Come down and share your wisdom and truth with me...
Or would that wish be too damn easy?
The truth about atheism, is that christians are the number one cause...
You hide inside your 4 walls of "redemption" and throw your stones at society...
That'll never help anyone, not even I... The man in the box...
Counting away the days, until I can no longer remember my own name...
You say you want the best for me, but you only focus on the negative...
How is that possible? It's like living on a double edged knife...
You're just waiting for a reason...
whatever that reason is for, only you know...
I'm just tired of wondering, and pretending I can help...
I'm sorry I'm more useless to you than I am to myself...

Family Guy doesn't heal everything...

Frazzled beyong repair. My mind is overloaded lately with Stewie Griffin's feeble attempts to kill his own mother. Peter is , for all intent purposes a simpleton... And yet one classy motherfucker. Brian, you are a lowlife living the highlife. Chris is a jackass and Meg, well Meg deserves a spinoff much like Cleveland got... Yet Cleveland isn't as funny anymore... Or he really never was... Family Guy hasn't healed me... Not at all, not one bit... No matter how many DVD'S I buy, or how many sleepless nights I spend to watch the 11pm reruns at 3am... I'm still this broken me... Still a hallow shell... Shattered... No glue could fix me... I'm basically trash... Family Guy, you can't even make me laugh anymore... And it's sad.


Really? No I'm just fucking bored out of my mind writing anything to sound like a sad sack of shit and it works. lol, Family Guy rocks BTW.

Move on....

I don't know what to say anymore...
My words fall on deaf ears...
Mostly my own deaf ears...
They never make it out of thought...
Forever trapped....
SAY SOMETHING!
SAY SOMETHING!
SAY SOMETHING!
SAY ANYTHING!
I'm just crazy...
Or so I say, because that would just be so...
easy...
Don't you think?
Yes... Oh yes you do...

Penis vs Vagina

Perhaps Male Vs Female would have been better... Yet it wouldn't have gotten much attention, now would it. Not a question, but a statement.

Now here is where I'm coming from. I head that male nurses get paid more on starting out. Why? Because being a nurse has been filled by Females for a long time. So the insentive to get more money for a male should entice any red blooded, meat eating man into getting into that field. Well, perhaps. But it isn't fair. That's like saying "Hey guys, we need a woman in this office space. SOOOO Let's give her ASSISTANT GM immediately." And then you hire someone who has no desire to get their job done, but they wanted the title and PAY that comes with it. WOW!

Anyway I know someone who started out in a job that was shitty, her hours sucked and she wasn't paid enough to do everything that WASN'T on her job description. She got promoted and it was BETTER. But the thing was, for weeks they couldn't find a replacement for her old job. And well a long story short, some dude walks in looking for a job, and the main woman in charge of handing someone that job got wet in a particular place and said in a high pitched squeel "YOU'VE GOT THE JOB!" SO she ajusted her skirt, fanned herself off and hired a deadbeat who doesn't even do half the job the original person in that position did. He is basically eye candy and he gets to sit on youtube, myspace, facebook, whatever he wants and not do his job and collect a paycheck every 2 weeks. Damn, and all because he's a decent looking guy. Whereas the first person there was a woman, she was treated, somewhat shitty. I mean she ran errands that weren't for the company, she checked peoples personal mail, deposited their checks, walked their dogs and washed their cars... Hell I don't know what all she did, I'm just adding things on so you ge tmy fucking point. She was a WOMAN and this new guy is a fucking dude doing nothing and collecting money off his looks. WOW. What a fucking society we live in.

Tim doesn't Heal everything....

Life & Times of Tim. I've watched you pretend to be Latino. I supported you even through your botched speach in Spanish. I watched you grow a beard, get dumped, shave and reveal you gained a few pounds in your face. I watched a hobo nearly come through and steal your job. I saw Amy take you back. I saw a coked out stripper that looked like Amy - though she was Amee with 2 E's and 2 double D's - try to get with you. I saw you lose your job, try to become a writer adn kill someone who inspired you for one day.

You have not healed my life Tim. You are an asshole with your monotone voice.

CKY "The Way You Lived"

There's 10,000 reasons to survive
But you only needed one to die
It's too late to change what you've become
I won't always be this lonely

The way you lived your life, it mezmerizes me
Now won't you take some time to cast out your regrets
Why did you leave our lives, it mezmerizes me
So won't you take the time to cast out your regrets

I hear the creaking through the door
I see you slipping through the floor
It's not easy, asking you to leave
'cause you'll always be the only

The way you lived your life, it mezmerizes me
Now won't you take some time to cast out your regrets
Why did you leave our lives, it mezmerizes me
So won't you take the time to cast out your regrets

The way you lived your life, it mezmerizes me
Now won't you take some time to cast out your regrets
Why did you leave our lives, it mezmerizes me
So won't you take the time to cast out your regrets

TXT Message: F.O.C.U.S.

Fuck Off Cause UR Stupid.

That there was the best txt message I ever got. lol

Well I will fuck off, not because I am stupid. But because as much as you'd love to imagine that you're funny... You're not, but I can't txt back. So read my fucking blog, post a comment or just go and read a book for once. Miserable cunt.

Oh and I say CUNT, not to offend you. Just because it's your favorite word.

Another Version of The Truth...

I don't even care these days to write how I "feel" anymore...
This world does in fact reject me...
But first it chews me up, spits me out and then brings the boots right over and stomps the rest of me out...
I'm done... Fucking done.

TRUTH Burns Bright.

To those who will say "imitation is suicide."
The saying is 'Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.'
So to those that believe the former, the consumer is the reason for the product.
They believe in it, they live it, they buy it.
Without them, your product would be collecting dust somewhere in a dark room.

How about trying on the truth?

Edgar Allan Poe

All religion, my friend, is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry.

Another Know It All...

Some people hear you, but never quite listen. You can waste your breath and time by talking to them. Yet they BELIEVE they already know everything. So anything you say that is fact or is helpful, they just don’t care. They’ve heard it all before and KNOW what they are doing. These type of people, we don’t need in our lives. Because they’ll come to you when it doesn’t work out and pretend to care how you feel. All the while they whine, cry and complain about nothing and everything all at once, leaving you silent and intent on listening… Or intent with pulling your hair out. Either way, it’s never a good mix for anyone when these types of people come around. Because when they come around, it’s only to feel better that they got it off their chests. So they come, they go, they come back again and leave you emptier then before.

teamsharkwater on twitter says...

Lead, Follow or step aside. Together we can stop shark finning and save humanity!

FUCK IT!

PULL THE CORD, WRAP THE FUCKING THING AROUND MY NECK... AND LET'S ALL SAY GOODBYE TO THE BIGGEST JOKE YOU KNOW... ME! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA, LET'S ALL HAVE A LAUGH! It is, by any means great for the soul. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Mood: Irony
Status: Single? & Bored to Death

Riddle me this, Riddle me that...

I wish I “didn’t” care like you say I do…
Because I care too much what you think…
I wish I was this cold-dead being that you think I am…
I’m not and it kills me that you’d believe I am so cold…
Yet in life you seek out the little things in people that you want them to be…
I might not care during most times…
Yet I do “feel” and I do “Love“…
I guess just not in the way you do…
Or is it the other way around? We may never know…
Because you speak in riddles and rhymes…
Always giving me questions and tasks to live up to…
And expect me to fail, yet when I do…
You want to scream at yourself and wonder what all this time means…
I can’t answer you…
Because every time I begin to believe I‘ve got the answers…
You change the questions…

Those Who Live In Glass Houses...

Shouldn't walk around naked... Or at the very least throw stones. Yet they will. They cast them all out upon the world and expect nothing to happen in return.

So while you sit in your glass house throwing stones at me and my broken home. I just hope that gives you some little satisfaction. Because you really do deserve to be happy. Even if you cannot do that for youself. You deserve some shred of dignity to be HAPPY. To be yourself would be better... But we both know that isn't going to happen any time soon... Now is it?

HA! I wish you could see just how petty you really are. I'd pitty you, but that would jsut be too much for me to even care. I could just be happy for you, because it takes nothing to show a smile and give off a snappy comment like "Nice shoes, douchebag." But even that I'm not capable of, because... Well... DOES IT LOOK LIKE I GIVE A FUCK?

D.I.L.L.G.A.F!?

Never wait for people to come around... If they're down, they'll always be down. No need for the fakes and phonies to come around and stink up your life... TRUTH!

Stereotypes that Destroy Society

Let me take another crack at this. So you're a pot loving wannabe hippie. What is your biggest and best trait? OOOOOOOOOH RIGHT, you listen to one Bob Marley song and watch Spongebob reruns all fucking day long. You believe that Jerry Garcia isn't dead and that John Lennon faked his death to live out his life as a normal man amongst society.

Well the sad thing is, you're wasting your life away sitting on your moms couch eatching stale potato chips and drinking tap water, cause you don't want to give one single red cent to a company that puts it in a bottle for you cause BOTTLES ARE BAD! Well no shit they are. Yet they've single handedly made life easier and yet we have to pay almost more for a bottle water then we do for television service. So you've got one thing right. Why buy water when it's already in your home for FUCKING FREE... Oh wait, wait, wait, wait a fucking minute... No it isn't. You have to pay the city to get that water, every month you get a bill, you pay it and YOU GET WATER! WTF! There is seriously something wrong here. But hell you're style is, and only to yourself IMPECCABLE. SO GIVE YOURSELF A FREE LOVING HUG, MASTERBATE ON A FLOWER AND EAT SOME SHROOMS YOU CRAZY SMELLY MOFO! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Oh and let me think again, metal heads... What's that about?

EMO KIDS, WTF! Do you all need shock therapy? Seriously your life isn't that fucking bad. Oh so you're uncle put his ting-ting in your ping-ping, get over it already. Write a decent song that doesn't have to do with slitting your wrists, stabbing your eyes out, heartbreak that isn't real, your dad hating you growing up, your mom not being there, your frist period and YOU'RE A GUY and honestly, HONESTLY, Boys cheer up cause your makeup is running.

Jesus Freaks. Now I love Jesus just as much as you do. But I don't go around knocking on peoples doors proclaiming that they are scum if they do not do as you are. You're not better than us, so get over it.

Mormons, read the above and we're all good cause I don't feel like typing that again or just being a lazy bastard and using copy+paste.

Rappers/Hip-Hoppers, whatever you want to be called. I seriously and honestly just don't give a fuck. And please for the love of GOD (see I care about Him too) PLEASE STOP WRITING LYRICS ABOUT WOMAN IN WAYS THAT IS JUST DISGRACEFUL, Stop talking about drugs and alcohol, unless you own you're own brand of liquor then be my guest and highlight that in your music. But seriously, it's time to give something positive to the world. Even if you are just releasing your aggressions, you could do it in a more vague manner... Which would be POETIC.

Reading...

trying to catch up on reading. So I convinced my dad to buy me The Catcher in The RYE. LOL.

I don't even know if I can finish this book. It's just so weird at this moment.


I'll just keep going with the motions and see where I end up.

Top 5 Actors/Actresses I can’t Stand…

This is in no particular order, however Miss #1 is #1 on my official ranking system.

1. Sarah Michelle Gellar: Why? Because apparently in every movie she is a part of she is young, intelligent and disturbed. Much like her character in The Grudge movies and then that one where she has memories from being a child and whatnot and then a movie I wanted to watch because the cover art looked fucking dope… I ended up not watching it just yet because she is in the movie. FUCKING LAME OF ME. I KNOW. I KNOW. I should just get over it and fucking watch Possession.

2. Vince Vaughn: Now to say I can’t stand him in the same sentence that states he is my favorite actor also… Is just fucking ironic. Why I can’t stand him really is because he rambles on and on about random and stupid shit that doesn’t make sense yet you’re led to believe it does and has something to do completely with the story of the movie at hand and the “story” it’s trying to tell… Or in this case, pretty much the way I just went off rambling randomly about Mr. Vaughn.

3. Morgan Freeman: Why? Simply because he is annoying being the same MF’R in every movie he does. He’s the kind hearted older black male that befriends or takes someone under his wing. The only movie where he isn’t this particular character is Batman with Christian Bale. Yet that’s like a diet or lite version of his “main” character in movies. However I admit, Mr. Freeman is a damn good actor. PLEASE SOMEONE IN HOLLYWOOD, GET HIM TO DO A DIFFERENT ROLE!

4. Nicholas Cage: Why? Read Morgan Freeman and change the name and forget the Batman thing and and and and and and and and well, I can’t think of anything else he’s just plain boring.

5. Hell get yourself a color crayon and fill this section in for yourself.

Don't Go Away by Buckcherry

In my darkest state of mind
I am riddled with despair
When I try and close my eyes
Your voice is all I hear
I will think of you tonight
I will hold back all my tears
I've waited all these years

Please don't go away
You're making a mistake
You and I were meant to be
You opened up my eyes
And made me realize
Now its changing everything
It’s crazy how I feel this way
I can’t explain don't go away

I see your shadow all the time
I see your face inside my mirror
Like a sunset in the sky
You distract me from my fears
I keep holding it inside
And I wish that you were near
It’s better when You're here

Please don't go away
You're making a mistake
You and I were meant to be
You opened up my eyes
And made me realize
Now its changing everything
It’s crazy how I feel this way
I can’t explain don't go away

All the things you said
And all the games we played
Will come back to you
See the look in your eyes
Ooooh, don't’ go away


Please don't go away
You're making a mistake
You and I were meant to be
Please don't go away
You're making a mistake
You and I were meant to be
You opened up my eyes
And made me realize
Now its changing everything
It’s crazy how I feel this way
I can’t explain why I feel this way
It's hard to say
I want to make you see
What you mean to me
Don’t go away

Over & Under - Egypt Central

I know you'll be there, To see the tables turning.
Wake up tomorrow, And watch the bridges burning.

I can see, I can see it in your eyes.
I can feel, I can feel it in my mind.
I don't care, I don't care if you realize.
What you see, What you see in my eyes.

I'm over me being under you.
I'm breaking free I'm breaking through.
I've overcome all I'm underneath.
I can finally stand.
I can finally breathe.

Remember when we, First had the thought of living.
A perfect picture, But I did all the giving.
Gave up my passions, To try to make you happy.
The joke is over, And I'll do all the laughing.

I can see, I can see it in your eyes.
I can feel, I can feel it in my mind.
I don't care, I don't care if you realize.
What you see, What you see in my eyes.

I'm over me being under you.
I'm breaking free I'm breaking through.
I've overcome all I'm underneath.
I can finally stand.
I can finally breathe.

====
Just another one of my favorite songs at the moment.

Hey Baby, Here's That Song You Wanted - by BlessTheFall

I watched the sun again, it's leaving now
I've spent all night long trying to figure out
What I've lost and what I've failed
When my feet won't hit the ground
Trying to make it, starting over
And will we ever love again?

Hey baby, are you alone tonight?
How can we make it?
Hey baby, looks like you were wrong
It's never too late, too late

So here we are again, to make some sense of it all
All these "sorry" changes, maybe tonight's no different
Rearrange the pieces, like it's all we know
It's all we know maybe

Hey baby, are you alone tonight?
How can we make it?
Hey baby, looks like you were wrong
It's never too late, too late

I can't put it together, what we missed
The pieces keep falling one by one
Cause this life is us holding on
Fall tomorrow then it's gone
Fall tomorrow then I'm gone

Hey baby, it looks like you were wrong
How can we make it?

Hey baby, are you alone tonight?
How can we make it?
Hey baby, looks like you were wrong
It's never too late, too late

(Take it all, leave this place behind)

There's no one else tonight
Tonight

Nostalgia Blows Like A Bullet To My FUCKING HEAD!

I’m not feeling well today. Woke up at 4am with a bloody nose. My brother and sister have told me its probably from all the coffee I drink. I’d say I disagree, yet at the same time too much adrenaline does that I suppose.

Anyway onto what I fucking came here to say. Not only do I feel sick today, but I feel like shit. Thinking of my life back then when I was just a kid without a worry and how now I’m suppose to be an adult. I miss those days. Sitting back watching WCW and WWF (now known as WWE), cartoons on Saturday as well WCW Saturday Night, SNL and sometimes when I could get it WWF Shotgun Saturday Night. Walking around town doing nothing but going from one place to the next, listening to lots of Nirvana, Limp Bizkit, Korn and old school Wu-Tang Clan. I find myself these days doing only half of that in my state of “nostalgia.” I don’t know why I torture myself like this. Knowing during those times I’d have loved to get high, although I never did. Only and simply because I thought my life would have been something so much more if I didn’t ruin it all then and there within the walls of those years. I look back now, not in anger, disgust or even regret. I look back now and wonder what would have been if I’d given into my own internal struggles with addiction. I used to dream about getting high just to forget daily struggles and the turn my life took from that time period. I can look back at some things and laugh and yet a sting of “wow, that happened” still takes over and nearly makes a tear come to my eye. I may not cry on the outside, but I a screaming and throwing a fit on the inside. I cannot show that side of me just yet, because if I do I’ll probably explode and become nothing more then another failure under my own internal duress.

One by one I line up these memories and let the fire squad have it. Yet nothing disappears, it only fades for awhile. Then everything comes back full circle and I’m left feeling empty again.

Follow The Wolves - Demon Hunter

Every second is a pure affliction
But I can feel your pain
Choke back the burn of wrath as they violate your name
No sign of innocence in this godforsaken place
When the truth is in your hands, they'll spit upon your face

Dismantle the ground they stand on
Give power a name
You've traveled the path of slander
Now bury the shame

Shed rejection
Learn to follow the wolves

Run away to the blackened skies, through the fear of disbelief
Run away from the hollow cries, to the shelter of release
Run away to the blackened skies, through the fear of disbelief
Run away from the hollow cries, to immunity

See the struggle of the faithless lot as they negate their time
How low to sink to the depths of their frame of mind

Dismantle the ground they stand on
Give power a name
You've traveled the path of slander
Now bury the shame

Shed rejection
Learn to follow the wolves

Run away to the blackened skies, through the fear of disbelief
Run away from the hollow cries, to the shelter of release
Run away to the blackened skies, through the fear of disbelief
Run away from the hollow cries, to immunity

No tear for desolation
Nearing the end of our misery

Run away to the blackened skies, through the fear of disbelief
Run away from the hollow cries, to the shelter of release
Run away to the blackened skies, through the fear of disbelief
Run away from the hollow cries, to immunity

The Sin-Eater

I’ve listened to so many people about their problems and have kept it all inside. Never once did I expose anything anyone has ever said to me. I am saturated with so many people’s problems, their sins, their deepest-most darkened parts of their lives that could just eat them alive… I sit here today with dozens upon dozens of secrets, all just eating at my soul. Am I a Sin-Eater? Because that would make so much sense to me… Even if I have not done any such ritual… I believe it has to do more with the things from people that you take in, that hold for them. The things that pain someone the most that they can leave with you so that they may live their life. At times I wonder where most of these people that have laid their burden down on me, where would they be had they not. I wonder where life would have gone for them without that sense of relief. Without that feeling of, “it’s out there.” Keeping it inside, hidden only to show its ugly face when you don’t need it. I just want those that have come to me to know, I will never say a word. I haven’t yet and I’ll die with all that you’ve told me. Simply because I love you all. I am your Sin-Eater and I will continue to devour your secrets, sins and tragedies. I am your Dracula in a shining armor. I am the home you can leave your burden and the garden you can bury your secrets. Who am I? I am a Sin-Eater, plain and simple.

HA...PPY.... Birth...Day... To... Me...

another year older and still I'm not dead... WTF am I doing wrong?

Chapter Four: All That You Love… Will Never Love You The Same…

“Well the hurt doesn't show, but the pain still grows. It's no stranger to you and me…” - Genesis

Now I’m not talking about your loved one or the one true love of your life here. I’m talking about the possessions you want to posses. The things that you surround yourself with. Everything from the designer clothes, the posters of random Hollywood whores, the labels you want to be associated with and the feeling of social acceptance. It’s all bullshit in the end as I’ve stated in chapter one. Yet in this chapter you need to think about it all. Don’t just isolate and destroy it all, but free yourself from the wants, needs and desires to be something - that in the end you’re better than. Because you as yourself are a weapon. A weapon of mass-fucking-destruction. Believe it, feel it, taste it, become it. No one can hold you back any longer now that you’ve come one step closer to owning all that you truly are inside. That is one bad ass motherfucker who works in mysterious ways. No one can put their finger on you and pin you down to who you really are inside. They question themselves when you come around. They no longer know what’s-WHAT when it comes to the shit they created. It’s all about you and presence you’ve not invented, but released. Simply because you are you, you are alone, you are life unplugged, raw, real and uncut. You’re no longer the editors choice, but the directors cut of your own fucking life. Live it, believe it. It’s you’re fucking life now so go out get your hands filthy with the grime that you desire and make your own heaven here on earth… And when the time is right, you’ll realize heaven wasn’t that far away from your own image of the place.

... I've messed up... Again... PT.3

Though she wont admit.
I’ve messed up again.
I want someone to shake me…
To wake me from this state I’m in.
I want her to hit me as hard as she can.
I want to taste her fist or the just her palm as her fingers leave a mark across my face,
I want to no longer feel like I’ve done wrong.
I don’t know how to express what I need from her…
And I don’t know how to give her everything she desires.
I want to scream at myself and not just from within.
I want to bleed, I want to savor the pain.
AND YET I CAN, BUT ONLY FROM WITHIN.
Hidden from everyday life inside my head.
I don’t want to keep to myself.
Yet it seems that’s best for now…
Because even though you’ll understand, It’s all I have that is mine and mine alone.
It’s my only sanction from living.
Even though you’ve come so close to giving me a reason to be.
Sometimes it feels like you’ll soon leave...
Because I know you can do better.
I am the worse, you are the best of us both.
I’ll only drag you down and I’ve already begun to do so.
I’m sorry…. I should have said that a long time ago.
So again I say, I’m sorry.

Chapter Two: Systematical Catastrophe

“Thoughts of happiness you destroyed them all, First inside my head, then inside my soul.” - Black Sabbath

In life people will try to break you down to rebuild you in the image they want you to become. I’m telling you now to never let that happen. If anything, the only part of you that needs to be broken down and have something built over it is… Emotion. Break down those walls and build your heart. Live for you, not society. Everyday life is only 1/10 of who you are. These same people that will tear you down will tell you “Never give up.” and “Stay true to yourself.” Yet they don’t mean it. All they are really doing is weakening your guard to soon break in like a thief in the night and begin to change what you know in your heart is ‘TRUTH.’ These very people will lie to you, abuse you and throw you away when they can no longer get anything out of you. When you’ve been bled dry and left as nothing but chapped flesh, sunken muscle and bone. In life people will want you to be a curmudgeon, yet they’d still want you to be fluid enough for them to come by and treat you like a wax doll and rearrange you. So what you need to do is after you’ve unplugged from society, recharge yourself with everything you’ve ever known to be REAL. Because in the end when you’re done with the façade that is “LIFE,” you will be more then capable of doing all that you’ve ever imagined of yourself. Live your life. Breathe a deep sigh of relief. Never back down from what you believe and in the end… Heaven is what you’ll make it.

I messed up again... pt2

Restless and gone days without sleep.
Only to find myself napping away precious minutes that sometimes turn into hours.
Dreaming of strange things and waking in a cold sweat.
I don’t want to feel this ever again.
I just don’t want to feel at all.
WHY CAN’T I LIVE WITHOUT LIVING!?
I want to wash away the filth of life.
Replace it with something I’d rather know instead.
Burn the photographs, none of them matter.
They never did, they never will.
Fake people with phony smiles and even worse characters.
I’m done with continuing to fake it.
WHY CAN’T I BREAK THIS CYCLE!?
I can’t seem to get away from these chains.
Still locked in this cage I was born in.
Under a sun that never shines.
It just burns and burns and the darkness is all that I see of you.
Inside this casket of a life you’ve given to me.
WHY CAN’T I ESCAPE THIS HELL!?
Overshadowed and beginning to lose my mind.
I feel like a thousand worms are crawling beneath my skin.
They find every sore and make it their home.
WHY CAN’T THEY JUST LEAVE!?
IT FEELS LIKE THERES A VOICE IN MY HEAD!
WHY WONT IT JUST LEAVE!?
Telling me what I want to hear…
Yet telling me things I could never want to know…
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
I THINK I’VE MESSED UP AGAIN!
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
I messed up… again…

Chapter One: Only The Beginning

“This world rejects me… This world never gave me a CHANCE!” N.I.N.

That is right. Trent Reznor has the world figured out. This world will reject you. Chew you up, use you, abuse you and throw you away. You never had a chance straight out the womb. WE WERE FUCKED FROM THE GET GO!

So what are we suppose to do? Are we suppose to just realize that and give up? Sound simple. I know it does. I’ve felt like giving up forever now. Yet I keep myself somewhere in life that is comfortable and yet still so… Surreal and ultimately, bizarre. It’s just strange to live like there is no tomorrow and go without sleep because you’d rather not miss a fucking moment in your life. Yet you find yourself getting sloppy, your thoughts collide and everything you see makes you shed a tear or two… It doesn’t have to be that way. Isolate and bury your emotions. Kill the child inside and become who you truly are. You are dominant. You are a hero. You are the villain. You are a hard worker. You are the real American Dream. You are LIFE unplugged. Never surrender, keep moving and live for yourself, your family and the Love of your life. Give all you can to your Love and in return, Heaven will be what you make it.

... I've messed up... Again...

Feeling so empty, yet so alive.
This is a peculiar yet not so mundane.
I want to burn my emotions.
I want to live hollow and isolated.
Rid my life of the evidence that I once cared.
I just want to peel away the propaganda that is everyday.
Yet life would be so dull without these half-truths and little white lies.
Wear them around your neck like a chain of your own demise.
Skulls and crossbones, stars and studs.
Nothing matters to you, all that matters to me is a fucking gun.
I want to blow my head off.
I want to drown in bits of brain and blood.
Soak the floor with my memories.
Only to have them washed away, re-carpeted and sold to the highest bidder.
Soap and bleach can only do so much, yet nothing can cure this pain inside.
A bullet might numb the memories, but even that façade can’t fix everything.
I just want to scream, I want to bleed.
I want to end it all, fucking end it all.
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
WHEN WILL IT END!?
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
I’ve messed up again…

.........

Trying to find the rights words to say
Just how I see you in my mind
Yet nothing comes and my thoughts crash and clatter
All I know is how you make me feel
And the fact that you make me feel
I smile when I think of you
I smile when I look at you
And sometimes I wonder if it’s real?
Because I don’t wanna wake up if this is a dream
I’d rather live here forever
Or live inside the fire in your eyes
Somewhere I can hear the song your heart plays
Inside your mind where I can make a home of your favorite lyrics
And sleep with the memories you cherish the most
Why? You might ask…
Because I love you.
I love you like the ocean loves this world.
Like the sky loves the clouds.
Like the trees love the hills and the grass.
Like a pet loves a good home.
I love you, I love you.
Those three words are all I can say.
And even they feel a bit hollow once out there.

Fuck Corporate America Part 3

When I think of big name companies begging and pleading for a "helping hand" it makes me sick to my fucking stomach. "Why?" You might ask. Well simply because there are people all over the world who have been in the whole for 10 or 15 years who need a 'helping hand.' For the most part I'd say help them first. Not the fucking companies that have lost thousands of dollars because they cannot "SELL, SELL, SELL!" FUCK THAT! If you are someone who feels sorry for a big company and do not agree with me. Stop reading and wake the fuck up. Corporate America does not give a fuck about you, your family, your friends or anyone for that damn matter. All big business cares about is money and how much of it goes into their fucking pocket.

[no subject]

I want to write you a song...
But everything I want to say is already written...
And yet my voice can't find a way...
To express them, so they fade and disappear completely...
Yet as I try and try, I fail...
Only to know in my heart, you already know...
Exactly what I want to say...
Because you feel the same...
You want to tell me the same things...
Yet, just as I, you find it hard when your tongue goes numb...
And everything you want to say is already written...
So let's stop the world from spinning for a moment...
And just look at the stars for awhile and know this is real love.

Am I Dead? Am I Alive?

Apparently another man with my name (well he was 52 years old) died... And he lived where I live too. Same city, same name. My parents friends and family all thought I'd died. So they kept calling to send their condolences.

Change - For Better or Worse?

The more things change, the more they stay the same… Or so some say. The truth is… Some people just never change… And some change so drastically, you don’t even recognize them anymore. This has happened in my life. I know someone for all of my life and over the last 4 years, I’ve noticed this person become someone else. Actually over the time span of maybe the last 10 years. Just over the last 4 years, this change has become noticeable and freakishly intolerable. I can’t stand who you’ve become. I can’t stand what you do anymore. I cannot stand by and listen to you. I’m sorry, but some things never change. Some people just never grow. They get to a certain point and start in reverse and never look forward again.

In many situations I might believe change is something good. Yet in this particular “transformation” - I see nothing good about you, at all. I’m sorry.

In life there are things that change us, and there are things that we change for. For instance some might say that a JOB will change you. Some might CHANGE for the JOB at hand. I WONT CHANGE FOR THE JOB! I tried that once, and it didn’t work out for the best. I TRIED TO CHANGE FOR SCHOOL! And that didn’t work out for the best. I TRIED TO CHANGE FOR SOMEONE I LOVED! That didn’t work out for the best. You see, some change isn’t needed. Sometimes, it’s the thoughts that circulate in your mind. The feeling you get. That instinct that drives you. Sometimes you just have to trust yourself and know WHAT YOU TRULY WANT IN LIFE!

Because some people have to wear so many different mask’s that at the end of the day, they’ve lost who they are and who they once were.

The Truth...

It requires less character to discover the faults of others than it does to tolerate them.

random thoughts...

Sleepless in Zillah once again... Took a short walk @ 1:30 am... That wasn't so horrible really... Mostly a walk home... Because where I was, everyone fell asleep.


I'm once again awake and I don't want to be... I just want to sleep for weeks on end... Or maybe just sleep for a month and see how I feel next month... Whatever.


I hate this thing we call LIFE... sometimes it can just be the biggest bitch we'll ever know.

Rev Run - TRUTH!

"Perfectionism is self abuse to the highest degree... If eveything has to be right.. something aint."

Giving Up...

They say giving up is the easiest thing you can do...

Truth is, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do because once you've decided to just give up...

There's no going back to where it all started. Once you've given up on yourself, you just can't get that confidence back you once had. That is, if you were actually confident with yourself in the first place.

Blood Red Shoes - Current Musical Obsession

I honestly don't know what drew me to this band. The name? Or a chick on guitar doing vocal duties as well? Whatever it was, it doesn't matter. Because after you listen to the songs you might find yourself thinking "Is this grunge or indie rock?" And does that even matter? Not at all. Because musically BRS are just what I've been wanting to hear for a long. They are no Nirvana, Sound Garden or Hole. But they are a league of their own and I like it.

I just wish I could wrote more on them. But check them out. You'll love'em.

Article on Sleep Disorders

By Stephanie Pappas
updated 9:54 a.m. PT, Sun., Feb. 28, 2010

Sleep is supposed to be a time of peace and relaxation. Most of us drift from our waking lives into predictable cycles of deep, non-rapid-eye-movement sleep, followed by dream-filled rapid-eye-movement (REM) sleep. But when the boundaries of these three phases of arousal get fuzzy, sleep can be downright scary. In fact, some sleep disorders seem more at home in horror films than in your bedroom.

Nightmare Disorder
Whether it's running from axe-wielding murderers or showing up naked in the school cafeteria, most of us have been jolted awake by a nightmare at some point.

When nightmares move beyond occasional annoyance to near-nightly terror, however, you might have nightmare disorder. People with nightmare disorder often wake in a cold sweat with vivid memories of horrible dreams. Their waking life suffers. They may dread sleep.

Stress and sleep deprivation are major nightmare triggers, as are some medications, according to the American Sleep Association (ASA). In severe cases, counseling or sedative drugs might be necessary to soothe the anxiety underlying the bad dreams. For most of us, though, banishing the nighttime axe-murderer is as easy as taking a relaxing bath and going to bed on time.

Sleepwalking
Up to 15 percent of adults occasionally get up and amble around the house in their sleep. In children, the number is even higher. No one knows what makes some sleepers wander, but stress and disturbed sleep are often factors. So is genetics: Close relatives of sleepwalkers are 10 times more likely to sleepwalk than the general population.

You won't see sleepwalkers shuffling around, arms outstretched; many navigate their rooms with ease and are capable of opening doors and moving furniture. And while waking a sleepwalker won't do them any harm, sleepwalking itself can be dangerous. One study published in 2003 in the journal Molecular Psychiatry found that 19 percent of adult sleepwalkers had been hurt during their nocturnal forays. Falling is the biggest danger, so if you've got a sleepwalker in your house, experts recommend you move the electrical cords and steer your somnambulist away from stairs.

Night terrors
Screaming, thrashing, frantically pacing — night terrors earn their name, both for the person experiencing one and for anyone around during the event.

Unlike nightmares, which arise during REM sleep, night terrors happen during non-REM sleep, usually early in the night. They're most common in children. The person in the midst of a terror may suddenly sit upright, eyes open, though they aren't actually taking in the sights. The person often yells or screams, and can't be awakened or comforted. In some cases, night terrors mix with sleepwalking. Parents have reported children wandering the house in a state of panic. After 10 or 15 minutes, the person usually settles back into sleep, according to the National Institutes of Health. Most don't remember anything about their episode the next morning.

The cause of night terrors is a mystery, but fever, irregular sleep and stress can trigger them. Fortunately, according to the ASA, terrors usually fade after age 7.

Sleepy hallucinations
We're all used to seeing strange things in our dreams, but what about when we're not dreaming? So-called hypnagogic hallucinations occur during the transition from wakefulness to sleep (just after our head hits the pillow). And hypnopompic hallucinations hit during the waking-up process. People report hearing voices, feeling phantom sensations and seeing people or strange objects in their rooms. Bugs or animals crawling on the walls are a common vision, said Neil Kline, a sleep physician and representative of the ASA.

Sleep-related hallucinations are most common in people with narcolepsy. So while the occasional phantasmic visitation is nothing to worry about, if the hallucinations are accompanied by daytime sleepiness and loss of muscle control when excited or surprised, Kline recommends you see a doctor.

Exploding head syndrome
Okay, exploding head syndrome doesn't actually involve detonating domes. This creatively named disorder occurs during the onset of deep sleep, when the person is suddenly startled awake by a sharp, loud noise. These noises range from cymbals crashing to explosives going off. To the person hearing them, the explosions seem to originate either from right next to the person's head or inside the skull itself. There's no pain involved, and no danger, either. Doctors don't know what causes exploding head syndrome, but they do know that it isn't associated with any serious illness.

Sleep paralysis
During REM sleep, dream activity ramps up and the voluntary muscles of the body become immobile. This temporary paralysis keeps us from acting out our dreams and hurting ourselves. Sometimes, though, the paralysis persists even after the person wakes up. "You know you're awake and you want to move," Kline said. "But you just can't."

Even worse, sleep paralysis often coincides with number 7 on our list: hallucinations. In one 1999 study published in the Journal of Sleep Research, 75 percent of college students who'd experienced sleep paralysis reported simultaneous hallucinations. And these hallucinations, when they occur with sleep paralysis, are no picnic; people commonly report sensing an evil presence, along with a feeling of being crushed or choked. That sensation has given sleep paralysis a place in folklore worldwide. Newfoundlanders know it as the "Old Hag." In China, it's the "ghost pressing down on you." And in Mexico, it's known by the idiom "subirse el muerto," or "the dead climb on top of you."

Even today, some researchers suspect that tales of alien abduction may be explained by episodes of sleep paralysis.

REM behavior disorder
If sleep paralysis is an example of too much immobility, so-called REM behavior disorder is an example of too little. Sometimes, the brain doesn't properly signal the body to stay still during REM sleep. When that happens, people act out their dreams. They may yell, thrash, punch and kick, and even get out of bed and run around. When roused, they'll usually remember their dream, but they won't recall moving around. Given the violence of these outbursts, injuries are common, according to Kline.

REM behavior disorder occurs most often among older adults, and it can be a symptom of Parkinson's disease, a degenerative neurological disorder. Doctors usually treat the disorder with medications that reduce REM sleep and relax the body.

Nocturnal sleep-related eating disorder
Sure, you may have the willpower to avoid those cookies while you're awake, but what about when you're asleep? People with sleep-related eating disorder go on eating binges at night, only to wake the next morning with little to no memory of the event. Some endanger themselves by chopping ingredients or turning on the stove. Others eat raw ingredients, like frozen food or plain butter.

The disorder is poorly understood, but, like sleepwalking, it occurs during non-REM sleep. Drugs that increase dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with reward and pleasure, can help stop the unconscious nighttime snacking, doctors say.

Sexsomnia
Even stranger than sleep-eating is sleep sex, or sexsomnia. First described in a 1996 case study of seven individuals, sleep sex can range from annoying (loud sexual moans) to dangerous (self-injurious masturbation) to criminal (sexual assault or rape). In at least five controversial cases, men have been acquitted of sexual assault by arguing that they were asleep during the attack.

Most research on sexsomnia has involved small case studies. The largest study, an Internet survey of 219 people who said they experienced sleep sex, is limited because it relied on self-reports. Even so, that study, which was published in 2007 in the journal Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, suggested that sleep deprivation, stress, alcohol, drugs and physical contact with a bed partner play a role. But no one knows why some people respond to these triggers with sexual behavior.

Insomnia
If the previous nine conditions are making you rethink your once-positive stance on sleep, think again. Insomnia, the inability to fall or stay asleep, can cause irritability and lack of concentration during the day, and long-term sleep deprivation can be downright dangerous. Lack of sleep has been associated with obesity, high blood pressure and heart attacks, among other nasty symptoms. And according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, drowsy driving causes more than 100,000 car crashes and 1,550 deaths each year.

The good news is that most of the disorders on this list respond to treatment—and having one doesn't mean you're crazy.

"Often people feel that there is a psychological reason for having these events. They think that there's some Freudian answer to solving these problems," said the ASA's Kline. "Modern science does not support that. There is a physiological reason."

Willow - Repost of all Posts

Originally posted on Jan. 1, 2010

I've started reading a book called 'Willow.' It's not about the movie that had Val Kilmer in it. 4 champters in and it's very much a girl book. But I'll read through it. Unbelievable are the thoughts she has. I'm not sure anyone in the world thinks like her, but that doesn't matter.



The book talks about teenage depression and cutting.


I might at a later time write a review on the book.


- The Stranger aka Coffee & Cigarettes (a nickname given to me by my dad, believe it or not).

====

Originally posted on Jan. 28, 2010

Willow... How could I describe the book of Willow without giving away the details of the story? The only way I could is to tell you that it makes you think. That it makes you look at yourself. The story, even if you don't quite connect to it... Makes you think about things you've done to yourself in the past or even lately. The story is at the end of book all about finding something you thought you'd never have... Even though there are parts of your life that you know you'll never get back. I think we all as people of society know just how that feels.

Honestly the book is a good read, easy at first and then the chapters build up.

The only gripe I have with the book is how the two main characters speak to each other. I admit at first I hated how the story consists of random thoughts from Willow. I then began to not be bothered so much by them really. It was just how they have her... I guess he is a love interest, but how he talks. He doesn't sound too much like a dude really. More or less like the imagination of how a woman or girl would love a guy to talk.

Honest rating, 5 stars our of 5 bright stars in the midnight sky.

====

Originally posted Feb. 27, 2010

I honestly find myself wondering where that story will go. I've found myself in two different books at the same time. Trying to keep my interest in reading and yet get two books out of the way. But the one that stays on my mind is Willow.

I'd just love to know where that story is going. Will it continue where it left off? What does the future hold for Willow and Guy?

Julia Hoban please tell me if you are going to continue that story.

Willow by Julia Hoban - Current Obsession - Life after Willow

I honestly find myself wondering where that story will go. I've found myself in two different books at the same time. Trying to keep my interest in reading and yet get two books out of the way. But the one that stays on my mind is Willow.

I'd just love to know where that story is going. Will it continue where it left off? What does the future hold for Willow and Guy?

Julia Hoban please tell me if you are going to continue that story.

Mysteries.

When people look into your eyes, they see mysteries galore. You're a deep and intellectual person, and others can see that through your sparkling eyes. You're quiet and shy, but once you get to know someone, you become comfortable around them. Your eyes often spark curiousity in others, and it bothers people how they can never tell what you're really thinking. You're hard to read and often hide your true emotions.

as taken from Facebook. lol

Poem? Lyrics? Inspired?

Broken nails, busted teeth
The feeling creeps in and out
The pain soon follows
My eyes burn, wide open and stricken red
Time flies and days simply move on by
Violate the night, dead by sunrise
Just an open wound across the living

Time heels, just not all the time
Ironic how that works
I suppose it just depends on who you are
I suppose it's all about what you're willing to pay

Broken fingers, broken arm
this feeling has returned
Soon the depression follows
mouth closed, yet the words scream out
Time slips away through my fingers like sand
Violate the night, living dead when the sun comes up
Just a pale faced zombie in society

Time heels, just not all the time
Ironic how that works
I suppose it just depends on who you are
I suppose it's all about what you're willing to pay

FEB. 16, 2010

I figure I’m going to try the whole “blog” thing. You know how it goes. I take events in my life currently and lay them out vague and very cryptic. So here it goes.


“I have lost the will to live. Simply nothing more to give.” - Metallica ‘Fade To Black’


Lately I feel like throwing in the towel. Just conceding to everybody’s, shall we say - expectations of me. I’m just a deadbeat, dumb ass in the eyes of many people. I believe at times what I’m doing now could be considered a precursor to whatever I do next. Somewhat like the idea of being a pothead for such a long time, and then suddenly I decided to quit and move on. That pothead you once knew is now someone better. That could be me in this current situation. Or what could be is in just another stupid piece of shit working at McDonalds. Is that really what I want? Lately it seems what I want doesn’t matter. Simply because there is a long list of “What YOU NEED TO DO.” Right in front of me and everyone else I’ve talked to. I guess you could call it discouragement. Honestly, it’s just I’m tired of trying, trying and failing and trying to fail gracefully.


“I pour kerosene on everything I love, And watch it burn. I know it's my fault.” REHAB ‘Bartender’


Personally speaking, I believe that when you don’t have much faith in the people around you… How can you have any faith in yourself? Or believe in the “good book”? Now, that doesn’t mean I’m questioning faith, and what The Lord and Jesus his son have done for us all. It just means that, with the good comes the bad and vise versa. Nothing is really balanced. Because you can do something bad, and something good happens to or for the person who has done nothing but make your life or some else’s a complete living hell. I’ve got a friend, who thinks that life is grand. This friend believes everything is how they have ever wanted it to be… Except for a few minor flaws here and there. So they look at me or others and completely write them off as “losers” and “lowlife’s.” To look at people with no real plan in life and call them ‘scum’ is wrong. Simply because, before I started to “TRY” (and I really emphasize the word TRY) I wasn’t that happy in life and I have to admit… I feel even fucking worse. I guess one good thing is, I’ve quit smoking, and haven’t had a cigarette in a months, almost 10 now. Yet some bullshit still gets to me and I have this voice that starts to scream inside my head that I need a cigarette. I’m also not so much of a caffeine junkie anymore, but that’s a completely different subject.

“Sucker myself into believing that I'm doing the right thing. I think of your face and I pretend that I'm not alone. I'm lining up all the love and the trust and the good things, But there's a hole in my heart where I once kept a piece of home” - Black Light Burns “One Of Yours”

Truth Be TOLD. I am, always will be and never will change… Am seriously fucked up. My thoughts are random, my words are silent and my eyes ask ‘Do you see a life inside me?’ The answer, honestly is ‘NO!’ Because to restate what I’ve said already. I’m looked at as a deadbeat, a lowlife, scum of the earth and a fucking lifeless brain-dead jackass. What a lovely life I live and have only know to live. Yet, even through all the clouded affirmations that I’m nothing more then a future suicide, I was still slightly happy. Even with all the bullshit, all the hatred from my family and the screaming, yelling and bitching from the only people in my everyday life. All of which love to call me down, support me and then watch me drown. Kind of makes me feel useless and at the same time lets me know just what is thought of me.


“The perfect sound of middle ground. Pull me under before I try to drag you down.” - Finger Eleven “Drag You Down”


Some might look at this, read some of it and say “Dude is just groaning over spilled milk.” It might be spilled milk to some. Yet to me, it’s a drill. A mother fucking metal drill used to rip into my skull and plant the seeds of everything these people think of me. To let me know, whatever I think isn’t real. That book on my life is written, I’m just working my way through the chapters. Sometimes I love to take a look forward in that book and try as I might… I just can’t seem to read the text that is there. Am I dyslexic? Or is it just not in the balance (there I go again, talking about balance) for me to see into where I am and where I am suppose to end up.



“The More of You That I Inspect The More of Me I See Reflect. The More I Try To Read Your Lips. The More The Mask Your Wearing Rips.” - Megadeth ‘Angry Again’

5 signs of Sleep Deprivation

As taken from MSN health & fitness (without permission)

1. You're flummoxed by even simple decisions

I say: Fuck that. Even off 3 and half days without sleep I can still make up my mind and half the time I make better decisions when I don't "sleep on it."

2. You've been eating all day, and you're still hungry!

I say: I DRINK COFFEE AND EAT TOAST! How is that possible? Shouldn't I be eating like Megan Fox in Jennifer's Body? Somewhere someone needs to kick themself in the ass.

3. You keep coming down with colds

I say: I already have a weak immune system. So I can chalk it up to that... BITCH! lol

4. The ballads on American Idol move you to tears

I say: I don't watch that shit. I watch Pro Wrestling. WHAT MOFO!?

5. You've become a klutz

I say: I'm already clumsy, no need to blame it on sleep or lack thereof.

====

YOU BITCHES NEED A BETTER ARGUEMENT! WOO WOO WOO! YOU KNOW IT!

The more things change... The more they stay the same...

Thats a saying I once heard. I don't know it well enough to believe that it is true.

But I was reminded of that statement because I spent the last 2 days at my dads house. He's a paralegal and he worked a lot when I was a kid. He worked 5am until 3am the next day. There has been no change in that time frame at all. I am now 22 year old and on this day I got to hear my dad do a radio interview and then connect with a new contact that could help him in his latest case.

Sadly when I was a kid I didn't appreciate the work my father did, as much as I do now. I wish I could work with him. Even if I were just to take pictures. Because I did once take a photography class. Which I really hated. Yet I learned a bit from that class. Though that was a looooooong time ago.

Anyway it's late and I'll be volunteering at a pre-school tomorrow and Family Guy is on right now.

Bands at Bars...

Went to a bar for the 2nd time ever in my life. First time wasn't that bad really. The smoking laws have gotten so that you can't even smoke in a bar anymore. So the only smell in the air was alcohol. Plus I was jsut in there to sit down until the band I came to see was on stage.

Lastnight however I went to a bar to see a local band that I love. CHOKEOUT! The dude at the door was an asshole and smelt like shit. I swear to gog, he could have showered before going to work or at the very least sprayed a can AXE bodyspray all over himself. Fucking dude was terrible as a person too. Gave me hell for no fucking reason. Kept me standing outside in the rain for 10 fucking minutes while he examined my ID to see if that was really me. Fucking stupid. I know I'm not a regular. But there is no need to be an asshole like that.

And after I paid my and my sisters way into the bar, he walked off and about 5-6 people walked in without paying. They stood there like they should, but when no one came they ordered a drink and walked inside and got comfortable. It was shitty.

Oh and then I saw a sign that read "The Speakeasy. The Wildest Bar in America." Fuck that. Just a bunch of assholes running the joint acting like they've got a reason to be they way they are. If I ever step foot in the speakeasy again, hell is going to freeze over and I'll probably be back at that shitty college I went to for 2 semesters.

4283... Hate

Is such a strong word. Even the emotion, the feeling it captures when spoken to someone is just hard to understand.

So it is an understatement to just say that I hate everyone?

Coffee...

"Drinking up to six cups of coffee a day does not appear to raise a person's risk of dying prematurely, according to a new study of more than 125,000 coffee drinkers in Spain and the United States."

As taken from AOL.com

Pathological Liar...

#1 Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English

This Main Entry: pathological liar
Part of Speech: n
Definition: a person who lies to the point of it being considered a disease or condition, an abnormally habitual liar

Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English, Preview Edition (v 0.9.7)
Copyright © 2003-2008 Lexico Publishing Group, LLC



#2 Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary

Main Entry: pathological liar
Function: noun
: an individual who habitually tells lies so exaggerated or bizarre that they are suggestive of mental disorder

Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.

4 Hours...

I was 4 hours away from making it a full 4 days. But I just couldn't last. My body just hit the wall. My mom said I looked like a drunk. I wish I could have lasted that 4 hours to make it 4 whole days. But I guess 3 days and 20 hours was good enough.

I have to say... I will do it. I did it once when I was younger, much younger. I will do it again, even in my "pre-old age."

My Study... day 3

I can barely think right now, so I'll try and keep this short and simple or short and sweet. However you like it... And I didn't mean for that to sound sexual.

I'm drinking a Monster M-80 energy drink... the taste is great. For once I'd love to have another... But can't cause all I bought was one and the grocery store wont sell me more then 2 a day... Bunch of concerned woman. LOL. That's messed up. I know, I know.

My body aches today, yesterday it did as well. Just not that much, today it feels like I fell off a two story building and landed on my feet and my knees are killing me and my lower back feels sloppy. It feels like I'm walking like a slingy rolls down steps.

Hell my spelling sucks. I've edited this several times as I type.


Peace.

Sleep Deprivation and the Damage Done...

Well I've got done watching some so-called study on Sleep and what Sleep Deprivation can do to you.

The scientist said "Sleeping for only 6-7 hours a night for 2 weeks is like pulling two all nighters in a row."

Well I've gone past 2 all nighters in a row and I've never noticed any damage done to myself and I should know. I've gone past 2 all nighters in a row and I've never noticed any damage done to myself. I should Know. I've gone 3.5 days in a row without sleep.

Apparently lack of sleep can cause you to be irritable, feel like you're hungry, sleepy (NO SHIT!), weaken your muscles and cause serious depression.

SAD NEWS IS: I'm already depressed. I doubt it's the fucking lack of sleep. My knees are fucked beyond repair, so that blows that thoery out of the water. Hungry? I eat once a day. FUCK YOU! And irritable. lol, well, shit maybe you got me there. I don't know. At least I can still laugh at myself.

Albert Goldman

"No man is really changed by success. What happens is that success works on the mans personality like a truth drug, bringing him out of the closet and revealing... What was always inside his head."

The Purity of America... Is Gone.

What do I mean by that? I mean when I was growing up I loved Satureday morning cartoons. I loved coming home from school and watching GARFIELD, Rugrats and several other shours that would consumes my hours instead of homework. Yes I admit I barely got by in school. That didn't mean I wasn't smart, it just meant that I was more concerned with fun during my childhood. Now you fastforward I am 23 years old, I still love cartoons and I love to read. I love to listen to Classical music, I love Grunge, Metal, Punk and hell even some Pop music if it sounds good to my ears and doesn't bother my brain.

Kids now have grown up too fast. They've got cellphones and computers, laptops more likely then a desktop. They dress like Britney Spears and Hannah Montana. They are "IN LOVE" with the Jonas brothers and Zach and Cody. I have no idea where all of this has come from and how in the world it destroyed everything I used to love.

Now don't get me wrong. I love the Shrek movies just as any one else does. Yet the old school hand drawn cartoons seem to be gone. I can even notice the computer animation in Sponge Bob Square Pants.

MP3 players have replaved CD players and Walkman Cassette players. Hell if I could, I'd walk around with a fucking ghettoblaster that runs off 100 batteries just to feel like it was 1994 all over again.

Hell I still dress like I did when I was in 5th grade. I haven't tried to outgrow who I am or tried to phase these parts out of me. I just cannot see why anyone would want to. Much like how kids are just doing things to be socially accepted, labeled and set to the wayside in the fabric of society. It's a fucking crime.


Please, anyone who is a parent. Take the cellphones away, turn the laptop off, the computer the TV, the blueray, th DVD's and smach the MP3 players. Get outside and build a treehouse with your kids. Throw a football around, teach them to skip and do cartwheels. HAVE A SACK RACE or something that you'd do a family BBQ or get together.

Or don't. The Choice is yours.

Cancer of Society...

There is a cancer among all of us in society... That cancer is the monthly trends. I can stand those people who believe they have to act/dress/BE a certain way to be regarded under a label.

Emo: You have to cut, wear checkered wristbands, pink vans, tight jeans, shitty huge hair or short hair (girls), overly long bangs (guys) and wear t-shirts of Indie Rock bands you don't quite understand but "like" because all the intellectual people like them.

Goth: cheap hooker makeup that has no color just black, white and maybe purple/green/red, clothes that you can see through with rips and tears all over and t-shirts of bands that sound like The Cure mixed with HIM. long tangled greesy extremely black hair.

Indie Rocker: Emo except not so depressed with a cheap overcoat that you found in your dads old clothes in the attic/basement.

Punk: trashy, ripped jeans, spiked hair and a permanent sneer and shitty attitude.

Stoner: trashy, stupid and love Bob Marley.

Metal: Emo, except you don't cut you just punch yourself and other people for no reason but to be an asshole and "have a good time."


Is that really who you are?

Open Pondering...

I haven't gotten the bad taste out of my mouth from that whole experience. It's a mix of disgust, loathing and really really watered down bland coffee.

All jokes aside I just hate the schooling system that has taken over the world. If you aren't born rich or have some kind of sponsor.

After about a month now of being away from college I don't find myself wanting to go back just yet. Though I have discovered a program that would help get me back into college... But then looking more and more into it. I need to not have a high school diploma or G.E.D. Which I have, so with the red tape in place I am fucked there.

'Oh well, whatever - Nevermind.'

Giving Up...

They say giving up is the easiest thing you can do... Truth is, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do because once you've decided to just give up... There's no going back to where is all started. Once you've given up on yourself, you just can't get that confidence back you one had. That is, if you were actually confident with yourself in the first place.

Willow - Current Obsession of the Literary Kind...

Willow... How could I describe the book of Willow without giving away the details of the story? The only way I could is to tell you that it makes you think. That it makes you look at yourself. The story, even if you don't quite connect to it... Makes you think about things you've done to yourself in the past or even lately. The story is at the end of book all about finding something you thought you'd never have... Even though there are parts of your life that you know you'll never get back. I think we all as people of society know just how that feels.

Honestly the book is a good read, easy at first and then the chapters build up.

The only gripe I have with the book is how the two main characters speak to each other. I admit at first I hated how the story consists of random thoughts from Willow. I then began to not be bothered so much by them really. It was just how they have her... I guess he is a love interest, but how he talks. He doesn't sound too much like a dude really. More or less like the imagination of how a woman or girl would love a guy to talk.

Honest rating, 5 stars our of 5 bright stars in the midnight sky.

Nature Vs. Nurture

How does one go about killing what they have created? That's not an easy answer to give. I know. Because We The People have created a monster. We Created Corporate America and in time our baby got so big that we began to fear it. So we kept feeding and coddling it. Soon it left us where we were. Left us all with nothing but the pain of absence and loneliness. Then our little monster got bigger and bigger. So big in fact that it proclaimed that it could not fail... It failed and now it's looking back at us, like a weeping giant at our door... And what are we doing? We're doing what we all once did before. We are coddling, feeding and trying to protect our little monster. It is no longer a baby and it will never be our child again. It took on a life of it's own when it walked away from us all. It'll do it again and when that time comes. It'll leave us drained more so then it had before.

In the movie Batman Begins - Christian Bale as Batman says "I wont kill you... But I don't have to save you." I think that statement applies here.

I'm not telling you something that you don't already know.

2012

That year is looming around the corner and every expert and local "know it all" out there believe it will bring about the end of days.

Well I say to every scientist that says it's the end... Come December the entire world will not pay their bills and if the end is here... It wont matter. If it however doesn't happen... Then all of you can pay our rent, our water, sewer, garbage and cable bill. Hell you can give us a little something back to life as well. Because the way I see it. This 2012 thing is big business for you.

You've got all your "THE END IS NIGH" t-shirts out there and the crazy hobo's that promote your word. Give something back to society. If the end doesn't happen... Give the people back their intergrity. But if you can't, maybe a few coins in the pocket will be of better use to us all.


Just remember... I'm not telling you something you don't already know.

Lamentations 3:22

"… His compassions never fail. They are new every morning…"

Fuck C.A. Part 2

In the long run of these years... Who will be the one to look bad? Us the little people of society? Or the Big Business of America that is begging for help? I think in the long run, it'll be you corporate America. Us little people can fall on our faces, yet we have learned how to get up. Just as we have learned to help those who ask for help. Even now, as you beg and plead for help. WE COME TO YOUR AID! It's a learned sickness really. From the day we are born, we are taught that we shall help those in need. Yet we don't realize when you are asking for help... It's because you can no longer pay your poolboy to clean your pool. You can no longer pay for your car to be washed by a complete stranger. You can no longer get your imports and good from Amazon.com. Should, We The People honestly pay for that?

I'm not telling you something you don't already know.

John 15:13

"Greater Love hath no man than this, That a man lay down his life for his friends."

-I just read this and felt like I should post it. I'm not a very religious person. Yet I do find a light in the darkness at times.-

Not a Poem, but a Blurb really...

I wrote this one day out of complete boredom and yet I got out of my head some random thougths that kept creeping inside my mind while I was writing a paper for English 101.

****

The sun shines brightly outside the window.
I try to cover my eyes, cover my head, try to fall asleep.
Even as the sound of birds singing and kids playing waves in and out.
My alarm clock sounds as the CD player gets ready to play track 01.
Randomly selected? I think not.
Chosen because of the hard pounding metal-ass-kicking riffs, that if given less volume could sound like a heart beat on cocaine and red bull.
Bored to tears, bored to death - BORED TO DAMN NEAR SUICIDE!
Everything I know, everything I love changes and fades to gray.
All 14 shades, before it fades away.
Away and away and now I fade to black.
Gone, gone and now I'm nothing - yet again.
Running my fingers through my hair, intent on PULLING IT OUT!
Run my hands over scars, some you nor I can see…
And some I know you will never see, because I will not show you…
And because you don't care…You don't know that…But in time you will.

"To Be Continued..." Another Poem

I'm on a drug induced high.
At times it seems to numb the pain inside.
Only to leave the sores in my mind.
Pop another pill, drink another glass.
Keep my eyes open slightly enough to look awake.
Pop another pill, pretend I'm fine.
Pop another pill, pretend I'm still alive.
Drink more coffee, light another cigarette.
The white in my eyes begins to turn red.
Lack of sleep has my face sunken in.
I look in the mirror and Don't know who I see.
Is that me I'm looking at?
Or is that the monster I've become?
Punch myself in the face to see if I still feel.
Press a blade into my arm to see if I still bleed.
Press my face into the mirror to see if there is anything left...of the person I once was...
To Be Continued...

~This here is an older poem I wrote. It kind of lacks any type of structure. Just kind of blunt and pretty much to the point to how I felt at the time. I've never done drugs or drank, but that's just something I've always thought worked in writing. To express emotion and tell you just how I feel.~

Fuck the monthly Trends and "Social" Stance...

To anyone who believes that being a part of a trend and being accepted by your style... Social stance means nothing at all.

Do you drink coffee and wear black and mascara because the Goth kids do it? Do you paint X's on your hands and the number 24 on your shirt and sip carrot juice and listen to Throwdown and Casey Jones because thats what "you have to do to be sXe"? Do you paint your face to look like a corpse and carve "SLAYER" into your arms, because you are METAL? Do you wear a silver cross around your neck and carry a bible in your arms, because you listen to Skillet, Old school Creed, Demon Hunter and Disciple?

I'm sure you do many of these things and really don't even care about the labels and then there are the select few who take it to heart. Who take it overly seriously. For those people, my heart bleeds for you. I don't claim an image, I know who I am. I don't care what you think when you see me. I've heard it all, Emo, Goth, Metal, PUNK... WHATEVER. I'd love to be called Kenneth for once and not by a trend.


I used to smoke. I gave that up, because it's bad for me. And I realized after 2 semesters of college that there isn't enough stress in the world for me to smoke to ease my nerves.

I drink coffee like an alcoholic hits the Jack Daniels.

I wear black, and it's not because I'm GOTH or that I listen to Manson... Because I don't listen to Manson... Old School Manson and a select few of his newer songs.

I like Pro Wrestling, so that must mean I am under educated.

I believe in Ghosts, Aliens and Mythical Creatures... Because I'm Native American... Not really. Because I want to believe.

Embrace Your Pain And Make It A Part Of Yourself...

Talking to several people from my life as of these last few years... I've realized I've let so many opportunities slip through my fingers... Yet, the thing is... I never reached out to capture them... Was it all just that my lack of enthusiasm and low standards have caught up to me now and I see where I went wrong?

Hard to believe I've only got 2 semesters of college under my belt... Yet, I think I'm letting that slip through my hands as well... Like sand at the beach... Yet the last time I was ever at a beach, I was 10 years old and the sunshine looked gray... Almost perfect... Just it was still bright...

All in all, anyone who reads this... I want to let you know... That when you try to let go of things and forget... You ony prolong that pain... When all you ever needed to do was embrace it and make it a part of who you are... Instead of making it all you've ever known by trying to hide it... Trying to erase it... Trying to become a better person and ultimately failing yourself.

Embrace your pain and make it a part of who you are... Don't let it overcome you while yout try to pretend it isn't there.

Another Vatican-Jesuit Genocide Being Uncovered

This time against Native Americans and their children

By Greg Szymanski, JDJan. 18, 2010

The hypocrisy and double talk of the Vatican and its henchmen in the Jesuit Order knows no limits.

Now they are faced with a new challenge:

How to cover-up the sexual abuse abuse, torture and killing of native American Indians at Jesuit Mission Schools established with the help of the U.S. government.

The task in this case, however, should be quite easy for the Vatican/Jesuit double talkers as they have been covering up their roles in assassinations, wars and genocides for centuries.

In fact, they probably view this latest run-in with Native Americans as small potatoes, viewing it like a fly on a camel’s back in light of the tens of millions they have killed in the past.

Today on my radio show, The Investigative Journal, Ken Bear Chief spoke regarding the Jesuit crimes against children. Access the interview, dated Jan. 18,2010, at the archives at http://www.libertyradiolive.com/.

Ken is an investigator for the Tamaki Law Firm in Washington that has filed a federal law suit against the Jesuits in the Oregon Province.

Here is what Blaine Tamaki, lead attorney in the case, has to say about the Jesuit atrocities:

“The media has not heard or reported the sexual predatory horrors we have heard firsthand.

“This is the first story that must be told. It is a universal violation of human rights and the ultimate in crimes.

“Yes, priest abuse of trusting white people children has been revealed and some compensation paid. But, the particular hostage pedophilia at Indian boarding schools is the closest evil to the Holocaust in US history.

“Children. Helpless children of Indian blood systemically raped and sexually exploited for decades by pedophile Jesuit priests under the guise of their own Catholic God.

“Yes, cultural genocide occurred, but something much worse happened than anybody imagined. And that story must be told so that people around the world with universally held values can get sick to their stomach.

“Like the Holocaust (this was) Evil, The purest evil, in its worst form. And it was perpetrated on the children of the Natives of our country. And no one was punished…no one was convicted.

“It was covered up for decades. And Jesuits have become rich with their great cathedrals and Universities as the one of most respected institutions in this country. That’s the story I want told and am committed to tell.”

Tamaki made this statement to raise public awareness after filing a lawsuit against the Oregon Province, known as the Society of Jesus located in Washington, Idaho, Oregon, Montana, and Alaska.

His firm represents over 90 Native American sexual abuse and torture victims, the tip of a bloody iceberg which has been going on for more than 100 years.

Here is more on the story taken from a web site compiled by Ken Bear Chief at http://www.priestabuselaw.com/

In the 1950s, 1960s, and 1970s, Jesuit priests and brothers around the Northwest physically and sexually abused children and teens at Jesuit-run schools and missions. The abuse perpetrated on victims ranged from inappropriate touching to rape.

The perpetrators of the abuse worked for the Society of Jesus, Oregon Province, a religious order based in Portland, Oregon. The Province operated schools, missions, and churches throughout Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, and Alaska for decades, going back to the 1940’s. Many of these schools, missions, and churches were on Indian reservations, and many of the victims were Native Americans. However, the race, age, and gender of the victims varied greatly.

Coming forward with your story of abuse is difficult and takes courage, but you are not alone. Many people who were victimized at Jesuit institutions have told their stories and made the perpetrators, and the institution that allowed the abuse to occur, accountable for their wrongful actions. While some of the survivors of abuse have reached a settlement with the Province, it is estimated that many more survivors have yet to come forward.

Keep in mind that survivors of abuse at the hands of Jesuits must come forward quickly to preserve their claim. If you or someone you know was a victim of abuse by a priest, brother, volunteer, or employee of a Jesuit institution, please call us and make your voice heard. Holding the Province accountable for the abuse that occurred at its schools and missions helps stop the cycle of abuse against children. By standing together, you can help other victims and yourself.

Abuse survivors often feel isolated and alone with the secret of abuse. We are here to listen and help you find a voice to speak out against what happened and begin the healing process. By standing together, the survivors of abuse can make a difference. You can speak to us in confidence and with the assurance that we will listen and assess your claim. Because time is running out for legal action, please contact us immediately. We are here to help.

The number of children and teens abused is estimated to be in the hundreds, perhaps thousands, over several decades. The abuse perpetrated by these Jesuits was pervasive and damaged many lives. The evidence revealed to date indicates that the Province failed to monitor sexual perpetrators and in some cases knowingly transferred the perpetrators to other locations, allowing them to abuse again.


====
I am reposting this because it talks about the work my dad Mr. Bear Chief is doing right now.

Fuck Corporate America...

The economy is hard of you just as it is hard on the smaller people of society. I say "smaller" people, because you have built yourselves up as "too big to fail." Robbin Williams said it in best in his hbo SEPCIAL - "That's like saying too fat to diet. WHAT THE FUCK!?"

Seriously, ads that state you are going under and are declaring bankrupcy is just damn near childish. Yet I believe a child has more of a mond to know when to say "This day is done. I'll try again tomorrow." Because that is what courage is. Not always admitting your faults, but knowing you'll make it through.

Hell right now I'm sitting in a room with a lighter and I feel in dire need of a cigarette. I've quit smoking now for nearly 5 months and I feel so much better now. Yet I know that the nicotine will hurt me in the years to come. It may not so much now, but it will soon come back to haunt me. Just as you're business tactics now will come back to haunt you.


Coffee & Cigarettes...

Another Poem...

Overdose On Apathy, No Need For Pills

I swallow one to forget
I swallow another to ease my regrets
I swallow one more to numb my thoughts
I swallow another to make sure I’ll die
Yet this time I find myself somewhere I’ve been before
At the edge of the world staring back at you
I want to scream until my lungs are sore
I want you to finally pull the trigger
Yet I find the more I see you now
The more I wish I’d never let go
So I swallow another and fall asleep
Into a world I’ll never see
Still however, a world I’ll never forget


=-=Not sure about this one... I can't reallt recall if I wrote it just to write something or if I had a thought in place that rolled out and this is what I was left with.=-=

Current Obsessions (of the Musical kind)

Legend of the Wu-Tang Clan: Wu-Tang Clan's Greatest Hits



Great fucking cd from first track to last track. Almost forgot how much I really liked hip-hop. For any true fan this is a must have. Yet I'm sure a true fan would have all the cds already and would have no need fr a greatest hits. Truth is, the last cd I had of from the Wu-Tang was 36 Chambers. Great cd there as well.

I think the only problem I've ever had with Wu songs are the intro's they have before almost every track. Yet even with that little annoyance, there is always a bright light at the end of that tunnel.

Movies I've Seen Lately...

The Road: I'd score this movie a on a scare of 1-5, a 3.5. Why? Visually the movie was great but tame compared to the images that run through your head when you read the book. Plus I didn't care for the fact that the screenplay writer decided to ad a back story and a "mother/wife" to the mix. That wasn't in the book and to me wasn't needed. More of the book was left out too and some other things added in. In the book when the man and the boy get to the ocean, he swims over to the boat that is half out of the water and finds a few things they could use. That scene wasn't in the movie and all we got was a half-assed scene where dude gets naked and starts swimming over to the boat. Overall the movie was still very good and if you've not read the book it'll be an even better movie.

Just like Angels & Demons. I read the book and hated the movie. I loved the movie Da Vinci Code, so I refuse to read the book now.

The Book of Eli: of a scale from 1-5 this movie gets a fucking 10. From start to finish I was hooked. Visually the movie was far superior to The Road. This movie for me was more like what The Road should have been. Plus Gary Oldman was fucking bad ass in the movie. Mila Kunis was great too, but her role looked a lot different in the movie previews I'd seen long before I went to see this movie.

Daybreakers: 1-5 I give this movie a full fledged 5. I had no idea what this movie was about. I was just at the movie theater and needed to kill 2 hours. So I flipped a coin and decided to the see the next movie starting. That movie was Daybreakers. I paid my way, walked inside and over to the brown double doors. I walked over to the front, not because of my terrible eyesight - but because the rest of the theater was packed. I took a seat in the middle and sat there the whole time and didn't even move to get comfortable again. I was hooked. Visually the movie was great, the story was even better and Willem Dafoe is always a bad ass motherfucker in any movie he does.

It's Complicated: I'm just a fan of Alec Baldwin's. So you know I had to see this movie. On a scale, once again from 1-5 I give this movie a solid 3. It's not a bad movie and it's saved by Baldwin's performance. Steve Martin is plain and dull in the movie and tries too hard to be funny at times and falls flat.

Precious: 1-5 scale, easily a 4. The movie is hard to explain, but captures you and makes you want to finish from first scene to last end credit. You watch the story unfold and notice little things here and there about the main character. Her mother is abusive and plaid by a comedienne. Very odd deal there, yet Mo'Nique pulled it off and added that extra "Wow" to the movie. One thing that confused me was the the main character is raped by her father? Or was he her step-father? That was never cleared up. But she was raped by him twice and got pregnated each time. Throughout the movie, Precious lives in her own world in her mind. At one point she is looking in a mirror and she see's a tall, thin and beautiful blonde and not herself. Overall a heart-wrenching movie with an even harder story that unfolds. But through it all, does Precious get way from the daily abuse from her mother and incestious molestation from her father? If you want to find out. Go see the movie.

Movie I'll see next... Pandora, Sherlock Holmes and possibly Up In The Air.