I figure I’m going to try the whole “blog” thing. You know how it goes. I take events in my life currently and lay them out vague and very cryptic. So here it goes.
“I have lost the will to live. Simply nothing more to give.” - Metallica ‘Fade To Black’
Lately I feel like throwing in the towel. Just conceding to everybody’s, shall we say - expectations of me. I’m just a deadbeat, dumb ass in the eyes of many people. I believe at times what I’m doing now could be considered a precursor to whatever I do next. Somewhat like the idea of being a pothead for such a long time, and then suddenly I decided to quit and move on. That pothead you once knew is now someone better. That could be me in this current situation. Or what could be is in just another stupid piece of shit working at McDonalds. Is that really what I want? Lately it seems what I want doesn’t matter. Simply because there is a long list of “What YOU NEED TO DO.” Right in front of me and everyone else I’ve talked to. I guess you could call it discouragement. Honestly, it’s just I’m tired of trying, trying and failing and trying to fail gracefully.
“I pour kerosene on everything I love, And watch it burn. I know it's my fault.” REHAB ‘Bartender’
Personally speaking, I believe that when you don’t have much faith in the people around you… How can you have any faith in yourself? Or believe in the “good book”? Now, that doesn’t mean I’m questioning faith, and what The Lord and Jesus his son have done for us all. It just means that, with the good comes the bad and vise versa. Nothing is really balanced. Because you can do something bad, and something good happens to or for the person who has done nothing but make your life or some else’s a complete living hell. I’ve got a friend, who thinks that life is grand. This friend believes everything is how they have ever wanted it to be… Except for a few minor flaws here and there. So they look at me or others and completely write them off as “losers” and “lowlife’s.” To look at people with no real plan in life and call them ‘scum’ is wrong. Simply because, before I started to “TRY” (and I really emphasize the word TRY) I wasn’t that happy in life and I have to admit… I feel even fucking worse. I guess one good thing is, I’ve quit smoking, and haven’t had a cigarette in a months, almost 10 now. Yet some bullshit still gets to me and I have this voice that starts to scream inside my head that I need a cigarette. I’m also not so much of a caffeine junkie anymore, but that’s a completely different subject.
“Sucker myself into believing that I'm doing the right thing. I think of your face and I pretend that I'm not alone. I'm lining up all the love and the trust and the good things, But there's a hole in my heart where I once kept a piece of home” - Black Light Burns “One Of Yours”
Truth Be TOLD. I am, always will be and never will change… Am seriously fucked up. My thoughts are random, my words are silent and my eyes ask ‘Do you see a life inside me?’ The answer, honestly is ‘NO!’ Because to restate what I’ve said already. I’m looked at as a deadbeat, a lowlife, scum of the earth and a fucking lifeless brain-dead jackass. What a lovely life I live and have only know to live. Yet, even through all the clouded affirmations that I’m nothing more then a future suicide, I was still slightly happy. Even with all the bullshit, all the hatred from my family and the screaming, yelling and bitching from the only people in my everyday life. All of which love to call me down, support me and then watch me drown. Kind of makes me feel useless and at the same time lets me know just what is thought of me.
“The perfect sound of middle ground. Pull me under before I try to drag you down.” - Finger Eleven “Drag You Down”
Some might look at this, read some of it and say “Dude is just groaning over spilled milk.” It might be spilled milk to some. Yet to me, it’s a drill. A mother fucking metal drill used to rip into my skull and plant the seeds of everything these people think of me. To let me know, whatever I think isn’t real. That book on my life is written, I’m just working my way through the chapters. Sometimes I love to take a look forward in that book and try as I might… I just can’t seem to read the text that is there. Am I dyslexic? Or is it just not in the balance (there I go again, talking about balance) for me to see into where I am and where I am suppose to end up.
“The More of You That I Inspect The More of Me I See Reflect. The More I Try To Read Your Lips. The More The Mask Your Wearing Rips.” - Megadeth ‘Angry Again’
