Amalgamation of Issues…

I recently started smoking again. Not the healthiest thing to do ever. I admit it’s made me feel more like myself again lately. Though the fact remains it isn’t a trait or a quality I’d like to embrace completely. While we’re on the matter, the only reason I’ve been smoking is stress. Yes they are lethal and bad for the throat, but the fucking do wonders. My dad let my half-sister (daughter from his first marriage) move in and she’s a fucking book of issues. I’d label them all here, yet I don’t think I want to waste my time thinking about EVERYTHING as a whole. Now don’t judge me because I live with my dad, my dad asked me to come back and I agreed. He kicked me out of his home 4 years ago and apologized to me. During that time I didn’t talk to him for a year. I’d help if he needed my help and that was that. I was upset and hurt that he’d yell at me and accuse me of hiding money and spending it on myself. He knows me. I don’t ask for anything, I don’t live outside my means and in general I keep to myself yet I’m willing to share what I have. I pawned a guitar of mine to pay the electric bill. 90 days later I was told my guitar was going to go on sale unless I could get the money and get it back. I did and held that against my dad, since that was his bill to pay and not mine. So knowing all that, he should have known better than to believe someone telling him I was “loaded” and keeping money to myself. All that aside and behind us now, I wish I was a bigger part to his business. However I know my sister worked in a legal office and did some training and schooling to work in that field and I have not. I also know the “other” issues that are keeping me working in his office. Those would be my personal views, beliefs and moral ethic. I don’t mix personal with business, yet my personal self is what keeps me most things I want to do in life. I understand that is why college didn’t work out. I can’t work with other people telling me what to do and what to write or what to fucking say. I’m not hardwired that way. I’m not a god damn puppet and I will not pretend to be. I aim to be myself and only me. I cannot be a replacement of my dad, who has worked his ass of for years and is only recently getting recognition for it. I cannot be my little sister, who honestly has more heart than I ever will know. I might not ever see the world and I might not be in a band outside of my head. It doesn’t matter to me what I do, as long as I am me. I’ve had job interviews and walked away after telling them point blank “Don’t hire me. Hire someone else.” I went into a job interview for a café once and when asked if I get coffee and other things there I said “I don’t like your coffee. I just want to work here.”

The last job interview I went to, I was NEARLY hired on the spot. However during the waiting process I talked to an old man who had just lost his job, the same job I was applying for and he was there to get his job back. When asked what my final statement of the interview was I said “Hire him,” and pointed at the old man “He wants to be here. I just want something to do.” I left and never looked back. Do I think they hired him back? I honestly don’t know and believe in my heart that they didn’t.

I just needed somewhere to get this shit off my chest and I feel as though I’ve done that for now. So I’m off and off to smoke another cigarette and try to relax now.

Stay Strange…

"Get it right shithead..."

Now I know most people don't get what I mean by that and here it is.... Sadly a celebrity dying is hot news and something that people act like we all should care about and cry over. However everyday soldiers are dying and no one bats and eye. Why? Because they aren't celebrities and them dying is the status qua. It's natural and celebrities are suppose to be invincible and undying. Which in every instance, is not true. They are people too, we as people know we are going to die. Do we know when? No. However we accept that we are going to, even if not today, tomorrow or next week. We just know it is inevitable. However that same state of mind tells us that celebrities are pure and cannot succumb to the normal deaths we ourselves ultimately succumb too. Which I might add is completely BS, because everyone dies. Whitney doesn't deserve a spot on the national news over something else. However she gets it and something else meaningful to our lives gets shoved aside and forgotten.

Also on that same subject. Why do people become teachers? I swear some people just seem like they were born in the wrong fucking century. Some people just seem more suited for the dark ages and should be working in a dungeon somewhere torturing people rather than in this life time as a teacher.

And I say that because I was a Teachers Aid for awhile and I hated it. It was with children, and they weren't the problem. The issue I had was the people working as "Teachers." Always groaning and moaning about the kids. One teacher once said a kid was stupid, because his XMas card read "xzappyh crhistmas." I said 'I let him glue everything himself and the work is his own. Instead of me hovering over him and ripping everything off and placing it in the proper manner.'

And the only reason I did that, was because for me. You have to be proud of your own work. If someone is hovering over you and making you feel bad, the rest of your life you're going to feel like a failure. Such as myself. I'm naturally left handed. I favor and predominantly use my right hand. Why? Because I had a teacher that used to force me to use my right hand. I couldn't go outside and play unless I did everything with my right hand. I got used to sitting on my left hand and making myself become a "righty." Because of that, I was still in writing classes from kindergarten all the way up to 3rd grade. Which was stupid, because I could clearly right with my left hand.