I’m not feeling well today. Woke up at 4am with a bloody nose. My brother and sister have told me its probably from all the coffee I drink. I’d say I disagree, yet at the same time too much adrenaline does that I suppose.
Anyway onto what I fucking came here to say. Not only do I feel sick today, but I feel like shit. Thinking of my life back then when I was just a kid without a worry and how now I’m suppose to be an adult. I miss those days. Sitting back watching WCW and WWF (now known as WWE), cartoons on Saturday as well WCW Saturday Night, SNL and sometimes when I could get it WWF Shotgun Saturday Night. Walking around town doing nothing but going from one place to the next, listening to lots of Nirvana, Limp Bizkit, Korn and old school Wu-Tang Clan. I find myself these days doing only half of that in my state of “nostalgia.” I don’t know why I torture myself like this. Knowing during those times I’d have loved to get high, although I never did. Only and simply because I thought my life would have been something so much more if I didn’t ruin it all then and there within the walls of those years. I look back now, not in anger, disgust or even regret. I look back now and wonder what would have been if I’d given into my own internal struggles with addiction. I used to dream about getting high just to forget daily struggles and the turn my life took from that time period. I can look back at some things and laugh and yet a sting of “wow, that happened” still takes over and nearly makes a tear come to my eye. I may not cry on the outside, but I a screaming and throwing a fit on the inside. I cannot show that side of me just yet, because if I do I’ll probably explode and become nothing more then another failure under my own internal duress.
One by one I line up these memories and let the fire squad have it. Yet nothing disappears, it only fades for awhile. Then everything comes back full circle and I’m left feeling empty again.
